Robert Pattinson is a vampire that plays teenage vampire characters in movies and books, most notably his only role as a vampire in the movie Twilight. Vampires are thought to be immortal creatures who can be killed by sunlight exposure, a cross or garlic.
This is the guy your daughter dreams about
Robert Pattinson is not your average run of the mill kind of vampire. He can go into the sun, but he will twinkle like he spent his weekend at the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras covered in fairy dust. He can also eat garlic, of which many other vampires claim is impossible and that Robert Pattinson is a fraud.
So how do you beat up Robert Pattinson without using conventional vampire beating tactics? His love for young under age girls is Robert Pattinson’s weakness. Known for his prowess and ability to brainwash little girls into thinking he has style and talent, he is a strong match that will require a sharp mind to take down.
You’re probably thinking, “why don’t you just dress up as an under age girl wanting Robert Pattinson’s autograph and then drive a 15″ wooden stake through his chest when you get close to him?”. Robert Pattinson is always on guard, with lightning fast reflexes, it is said that not even Chuck Norris could lay a hand on Robert Pattinson without being bitten. It is to be noted that Chuck Norris abused Robert Pattinson as a child before he became a vampire idol.
Robert Pattinson can read minds as well. But his power is limited to only reading minds of people with weird sexual fetishes of cats, and large amounts of money.
We could poison him, but we want to fight him like a man, so that’s out of the question. Luring Robert Pattinson into a field of bear traps carefully placed 6 degree’s north west from each other should be sufficient in slowing him down. After he has been slowed down by the bear traps, we will then proceed to trap him in an iron cage with 6 Mexicans.
After being in the cage with the 6 Mexican’s for precisely 2.35 hours (no more, no less) – Robert Pattinson’s body would have become a Swine Flu breeding ground and he will then proceed to get sick and die. Yes, I know vampires can’t get sick, but Robert Pattinson decided that he wasn’t a conventional anti-sunlight kind of vampire, so this will work.
Remember kids: If you see Robert Pattinson out and about eating your friends and family, simply get some bear traps and some Mexican’s and you’ll be safe to walk the streets another day.
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YEAH BOI
ROFL.
I hate that sparkling poser-vampire. And he can never beat Chuck Norris up! We all know that the only person that can beat Chuck Norris up is Chuck Norris. nuff said.
I want to know who beat up “Edward” -
so I can shake their hand!
And Chuck Norris does not abuse anyone – unless you deserve it! Enough said.
OMG!!! Robert Pattinson Got BEAT UPP!!!!!!!
YYYYYESSSS!!!! I mean. Oh What a shame. And what’s that about Chuck Norris not being able to catch him? Chuck Norris could catch something traveliung the speed of light! And he dosen’t abse people..and if Robby really likes underage girls, Chuck Norris SHOULD beat him up!!!!
@Lisa, Elle Croft,
Why did you post twice under two different names and email addresses? Do you suffer from split personalities or schizophrenia?
Oh, and I know you’re both the same person because of the matching IP addresses. Silly people.
I agree Ellie. Chuck Norris should beat him up! And I think that Robby-poo needs to be taken down. And let’s just say…I don’t dream of Robert Pattinson, but he would nightmares about me.
@Ihatevampires,
You must be one sad and lonely individual to be posting under three different pseudonyms. I almost feel sorry for you.
Huh? My mom and I both posted on this forum. But I have no idea what you mean by Elle. I seriously have no idea who she is. Believe that if you will. But seriously. I don’t. TATA!
And I really like your post! Very funny!
BTW, You must be really bored yourself. Since you have nothing better to do then discover if people are using the same IP adress. (??? )
Ihatevampires,
If it was your mother that posted that would explain the multiple IP addresses then. And it doesn’t involve any effort to see a person’s IP address, it’s shown too me when I receive a comment notification in my email inbox.
I hate Robert Pattinson. I wish he would get Swine Flu and die.
OMFG. I’m sitting in the library laughing my ass off. This is amazing. Robert Pattinson is a terrible actor and a complete moron. He is not some perfect dreamboat and he is WAY too full of himself. I’m glad someone could take him down a peg.
I’m sending this to all of my Pattinson-hating friends.
the queen of england will come on tv soon……and make an announcement….I have made this special broadcast today to alert the public that .. We are having a plague
or rob pattinson ..all care has been taken to keep the population safe,..from this new virus.. my husband and I would like to assure the public that they haven’t invaded the palace as yet.. were are at the present time working on an antidote.. there is nothing to concern yourself about.according to experts .your teenager children will eventually become immune to them.. .. meanwhile please stay away from all rob pattinson website and memorabilia especially magazines…any association with these rob pattinson is now a breach of the peace and a punishable offence… keep safe and god bless…
we think robert is overrated.
TAYLOR LAUTNER, on the other hand.
My jessus – he’s gorgeous!
*and Shia Labeouf
*
I pray that the film is follows the novel. The film makers did such a good job on the last film.
Robert Pattinson is more than enough proof that Jesus doesn’t exist. No God would ever create and allow such a jerk to exist in a decent world.
I love Twilight! I can’t wait for Twilight Eclipse! I’m so in love with taylor, lol.
I still think that the first movie was better, but New Moon def. wins in eye candy lol
You’re really pathetic and a bit of a racist. Your grammar-or lack there of-is pathetic too. Don’t hate on him just because you can’t get 1/10 of the ass he gets a day, Honey. =) Jealousy isn’t pretty. =)
Sounds like “Stephanie Selene” has something up her ass. I am willing to bet it is some kind of pole her dad shoved up there when he was molesting her
Stephanie Selene,
I don’t know what is “more pathetic” you calling me a racist, calling me pathetic or the very fact that you somehow found yourself on an article I wrote about beating up Robert Pattinson. I’ll let you decide on that one yourself, bitch.
I think you will find that my grammar is more than fine, and probably better than that of at least 85% of the Internet population. Just because you can use hyphens doesn’t make you superior at grammar, Stephanie, if anything it makes your comment harder to read and just makes you look like a know-it-all.
Also using you’re in place of you are is considered lazy by many English scholars, bet you didn’t know that either. So please, shut the fuck up and go back to your crappy day job flipping burgers or begging for money on the street like I am sure you already do.
LOL! My friend and I were just talking about how we could kill Edward Cullen/Robbert Pattison. We found all we needed was a body bag, shovel, and gloves… LOL.
PS: I won an Anti Twilight showdown against a Twi lover!
Robert Pattinson is ugly. Period.
And those people who actually bother to use several different names to comment in agreement to their previous posts are funny and weird 0.o
i completely agree, he sucks, if there was one person on the planet i caould kill it would most probably be him, and also all those ‘jacob black’ fans too i mean twilight is basically about a leech, a dog, and a suicidal chick-am i the only one who sees that!
and by the way u might have noticed i ddnt mention ‘edwards’ real name, and that is only because i dont think someone can say, or write that without him busting into flames.
hes a cock sucking pansy white ass mother fucker who like to suck on guys necks and refuses to say that he is actually dating a WOMAN!!!! that is not attractive at all and looks like a transvestite… :3
This is sad that you would actually bother writing something like this. I know you think it’s a joke but the fact that you have little fantasies in your head about beating him up is not only pathetic but also means that you probably have anger issues. Why do you even want to beat him up? You never meet him you don’t know him and you think he’s a horrible person off the rumors you read on the internet. You can’t hate a person unless you know them.
This would be funny if you weren’t talking about Robert Pattinson who is a human and were talking about Edward Cullen, the sparkling Meyer-pire. Just because Pattinson plays the retard in the twilight films does not make him Edward cullen or a vampire. Also, all these people who are commenting saying ‘Yeah, I want to kill Robert too!!’ – while it’s not really fine to want to kill people, but acceptable as long as you don’t actually do it- you have no reason to. You have never spoken to him, and if you say he’s annoying, I doubt you really know that. Saying it’s annoying he’s always on the tv is fine, but it’s (probably) not because he asked them to. and he didn’t ask all those teenage girls to crush on him either.
You guys are dummies, R.P is an awesome actor! Not to mention that there are like 200 million people who would disagree with you assholes RP, TL, & KS are da BOMB!
Oh, and I agree one hundred percent with Megan! YEAH! You show them Megan
!
And, I so AGREE with Phoebe!
Robert Pattinson sucks fullstop there is nothing good about him, he’s ugly and he can’t act. 99% of the girls who love him now hated him when they first found out he was playing Edward but as soon as the movie came out they decided they love him? I guess that just shows weak willed people are and how they just cave in and go with all the hype. Robert Pattison sucks and the twilight movies suck the books were good but in my opinion the movies ruined the whole saga for me I now hate the twilight saga. Thanks Robert =D
ROBERT PATTISON SUCKS!!!!!!
Keep loving Robert Pattinson. He(???! We should call R.P. SHE) is the Countess of fools). R.P. is a sucker, also his fans are sucker too. : ) (it was an answer to ILOVETWILIGHT)