If you use one of them - kindly leave a comment below and I’ll cross it off the list.

1. DiggieMonster (A digg take on the cookie monster)
2. EatBacon (Bacon is all the rage on Digg, and this username is sure to get you noticed)
3. DiggWorm (Eh.. Eh… EH?)
4. KevinSellsOut (A take on the whole Kevin Rose is a sellout thing)
5. Firefizzle (Kind of catchy; Its snoop dogg speak for Firefox)
6. SnackBox (Its available, whoa)
7. DiggMeHarder (I think its kind of creative)
8. Diggitised (This is available, its awesome)
9. DiggToad (If you like toads)
10. BrainSnack (Catchy, catchy)
11. Arrested (I can’t believe this isn’t taken either)
12. TosViolation (Stick it to Digg with this username)
13. Windows7 (If you love microsoft, you’ll love this name)
14. DiggArmy (An awesome name)
15. BrokenAlgorithm (A statement against Diggs broken algorithm?)
16. ComputerCode (Catchy)
17. DiggHacker (I like this one)
18. DiggCrime (This one is pretty criminal)
19. DiggSexual (This one is pretty DiggSexual)
20. DiggIsBroken (Digg Is Broken)
21. DiggSplosion (Neato)
22. DiggCode (Digg Code)
23. MobMentality (Not taken! Wow!)
24. FailWhale (Fail Whale)
25. NerdPower (Nerd Power!)

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Take one cup of wannabe gangster and mix it with two cups of R. Kelly and you have yourself an Akon. Much like his counterparts in whatever genre he classifies himself in, Akon continues to be popular and without an explanation.

He always seem to be on the radio. On TV and talked about everywhere, but why? He’s a high pitched, tone deaf criminal that gloats and markets his criminal past as tough, when he only has grand theft charges.

We all know Akon sucks and don’t need ten reasons telling us why, but it can’t hurt to list them.

1. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of having your brain dumbed down to the level of a 2 year old by listening to his music, you’d know that it all sounds the same. Much like every Nickelback song ever made, Akon plagiarises himself constantly.

   Akon hides this by getting other ghetto-tards to collaborate on some of his songs, and by collaborate I mean yell random words in the background of his songs like; “aww”, “yeah” and “back up bitch, I got grills”.

2. Following the typical ghetto-tard “I love you mother” look, Akon just loves to wear jewellery. Only once in the history of mankind has a man been able to wear jewellery and not look girly, I am of course referring to Mr. T.

   So it may be a bit difficult explaining to your kids why the scary black man on TV is wearing jewellery like mummy does.

3. If you’re a rapper or gangster you’ve got to have that “I’m a criminal, I’m black and my friends are scary and dangerous gun toting criminals” persona and look, its a requirement in the business of gangster.

   Akon - being the illiterate ghetto-tard that he is, decided one day that his street name would be ‘konvict’, yes, spelt with a k. That’s almost as bad ass as drawing the word penis on your passed out friends forehead.

4. There are many people in this world that seem to resemble animals, like Akon. Have you seen that dudes face? He seriously looks like a genetic orang-utan experiment gone all wrong. I’d really love to break an ashtray over that guys face.

5. He molested a 14 year old girl on stage at one of his concerts. Rubbing his genitals over her and dry humping her, really shows how fucked up this guy really is.

   Read the article here.

6. His idea of a criminal past is being sent to jail for running a car boosting operation that catered to drug dealers and celebrities. He owned four chop shops and was caught when his fellow partners in crime cut deals with police and ratted him out. Oh, big scary car thief Akon, you’re so fucking tough.

7. Whilst in jail Akon was notorious for fighting other inmates and winning. What he doesn’t want people to know is that the ones he’d usually fight were the smaller, weak ones that never stood a chance of fighting back. He also managed to suck up to the correctional officers in prison by singing them songs he wrote, amongst other things.

8. Akon being the no talent and illiterate jail loving douche bag that he is actually wrote a song called “Right Now NA NA NA”. For those lucky enough to not have heard it, all he basically says is “NA NA NA”, , “NA NA NA”. Real fucking genius, look out for his next hit song “Not Now NA NA NA”.

9. He sounds like a pre-pubescent 14 year old boy with a hormone imbalance. I think Akon needs a good dose of fist to the face to help him gain some manliness.

10. He is so manly and tough that when a young kid at one of his shows threw a piece of paper at him, he brought him up on stage and threw him into the audience. I’m sure professional midget tossers could show Akon a thing or two about throwing small children.

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Here are some common scientific facts about female comedians:

• They are incredibly unfunny;
• They all make jokes about the same unfunny things; shoes, men, shoes, men, shoes, shoes, their mothers.
• Gay men have a 67% higher chance of finding them funny;
• 98% of all females laugh at female comedian jokes because they are biased towards men;
• They are lousy cooks;
• They never amounted to anything in life;
• They love to draw attention to themselves;

Take a look at this pie chart which shows the percentage of funny female comedians as opposed to male comedians. The results are surprising.

To further prove the point of female comedians being unfunny as opposed to many male comedians, compare the following videos.

Video #1 - Female Comedian

Video #2 - Male Comedian

Facts about the videos you just watched:

• If you found the female comedian funny, you’re a female or gay;
• If you found the male comedian funny, you’re a male or gay;
• You have a good sense of humour if you found the male comedian video funnier than the female video;
• If watching the female comedian made you angry, you’re a chauvinistic male;
• If you found the male comedian video hysterical, you’re probably a racist, have a good sense of humour or a member of the KKK;
• Irrevocable proof that females are not funny.

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BIRMINGHAM, AL - A weekly hillbilly tennis game at a local tennis court has taken a turn for the worse when one of the players who brought a fresh can of tennis balls along with him noticed it was a can of Pringle’s instead, soon after opening them.

Joe “Pepsi Mountain Dew Sprite Cola” Johnson was playing a game of tennis with a few friends and family, something they did every week. When it came time to introduce some new tennis balls to the game, Joe was surprised to see the can of tennis balls he purchased was in fact a can of Pringle’s.

“I opened up the can, and I was like, these aint’ no tennis balls, these are Pringle’s. I was  shocked cause  I wasn’t even hungry, I paid good money for these and thought they was tennis balls. Look what I done did. shoot”, he said.

Multiple attempts at playing tennis with the Pringle’s seemed impossible. Every time Joe or someone else would hit them, they would just shatter and cause ants to come onto the court. After 2 hours of attempting to play with the Pringle’s, Joe decided to eat the remaining Pringle’s instead.

“If you’re gonna play tennis, I learned, you got to use tennis balls, not Pringle’s”, he also said.

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Just when you thought poster boy for illiteratism Soulja Boy couldn’t possibly harvest the brain power to write and release another album, he does just that and releases another album.

When I saw that this album was out, I was curious as to how Soulja Boy a rapper that knows fewer words than the most literate 2 year old could release another album, so I decided to find out.

In true Soulja Boy fashion, he really shows us his intelligence in both rapping, spelling, song writing and speaking. Calling his new album “iSouljaBoyTellem” is no smart feat considering his last album was called “Souljaboytellem.com”.

To really describe what this album sounds like, it can be summed up in one paragraph or less.

“Mr. T, Vanilla Ice and Celine Dion have sex and then as a result of that sexual intercourse by chance, have a baby that just so happens to have sex with Michael Jackson and Prince to produce another baby that releases an album and attempts a rapping career.”

One thing you’ll notice about this album if you’ve heard his other album is that it sounds exactly the same. Every song starts with “Soulja Boy tell em’”. Every song is structured around one or two words repeated over an incredibly annoying recycled drum beat and keyboard melody. He repeatedly says “Youuuuuuuuuuuu!” in tracks, randomly. You don’t see it coming.

The song “Bird Walk” really shows off Soulja Boy’s incredible dedication and passion for enunciation. Picture Mr. T and Eddy Murphy playing the overweight professor (Sherman) in the Nutty Professor trying to rap and that’s exactly how this song sounds. This song is basically just “Watch me hit my bird walk” but really sounds like “wahhh me heet ma birrr warr”.

Whilst this album may sound alright, if you’ve been exposed to deadly amounts of toxic waste, you’re deaf, you have brain damage or you’re super high, I don’t advise you listen to it under any other circumstances.

In true typical cliche black rapper style - Most of the tracks on this album feature some unknown crappy rapper with just an equally crappy name. The only known rapper/singer that appears on one of the Soulja Boy tracks is Sean Kingston, and even he sucks balls.

Much like a contagious cold sore, this album is not a very good experience and you sit there wishing it would just go away and never come back.

I can’t help but feel as though the tracks have been inaccurately named. So I have taken the liberty of correcting the tracklisting.

• Track #1: I’m Bout Tha Stax (Intro) - I’m Bout Tha Dix
• Track #2: Bird Walk - Douche Walk
• Track #3: Turn My Swag On - Turn My Mother On
• Track #4: Gucci Bandana - I’m Not Really Dat Rich
• Track #5: Kiss Me Thru The Phone - This Song Is My Virginity Confession
  
• Track #6: Booty Got Swag (Donk Part 2) - Booty Got Aids, Give It To Me
• Track #7: Rubber Bands - Glove Fingers On Ma Dick
• Track #8: Hey You There - I Deepen My Voice, But Still Not A Man
• Track #9: Yamaha Mama - I Fuck Ma Mama
• Track #10: Wit My Yums On - Wit Cum On My Chins
• Track #11: Go Head - I Can Pay Upfront, Go Head
• Track #12: Shoppin’ Spree - Another Song About Money And Labels I Aint Really Able Ta Afford
• Track #13: Soulja Boy Tellem - Soulja Boy Tellem, For The Millionth Time
  
• Track #14: Whoop Rico - Album Filler
• Track #15: I Pray (Outro) - I Pray This Album Makes Some Money (Outro)

If you purchased this album on CD, don’t feel sorry for yourself there are many other uses that your Soulja Boy CD can be used for.

• An awesome frisbee
• A weapon you can use to rob a bank
• A painful reminder to teach yourself a lesson not to buy another rap CD, ever again
• A pocket mirror
• Use it as an eye patch and pretend to be a pirate ‘Arr. Arr. I’ll pirate some software. Yarr.’
• Throw it at Soulja Boy and then run

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TALLAHASSEE, FL - A college comedian from Florida State University notorious for being usually funny (according to his peers), has taken a turn for the worse this evening after he made an unfunny election joke months after the US election had finished.

Abraham Smith, a 21 year old student studying at Florida State University: College of Medicine, was notorious for his classroom antics which had earned him the rank of campus comedian, made an unfunny and un-timed John McCain joke months after it was announced Barack Obama was the winner.

“He made a joke about John McCain being older than sliced bread, and it just garnered no response from anyone whatsoever. Even Rupert the slightly odour riddled exchange student from Germany didn’t even laugh, he usually laughs at his own reflection”, one student had to say.

While it is not clear what exactly went wrong, Abraham went into a severe state of distress soon after the bad joke, and collapsed. Medical experts that arrived on the scene had no choice but to sedate him, so that he would not be able to tell anymore bad jokes and cause injury to himself or others.

One of the medical experts that arrived on the scene believes that Abraham will make a full and healthy recovery. His sense of humour and comedy reputation is however not expected to make a full recovery, and is believed to be severely ruptured.

“The joke he made was incredibly bad. I don’t think he can recover. I’ve heard rumours going around that people are going to refuse to laugh at his jokes, if he decides to make them still when he returns”, a concerned student said.

Abraham is expected to stay in hospital for another 5 days for observation and testing before he is released. The school has refused to comment if it is going to allow Abraham to continue on with his medical studies to become a heart surgeon.

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Maxwell Antonio got the surprise and shock of his life when he logged into his Digg account late Monday evening only to see what he always feared would happen, a Digg account ban.

“I just logged in to my account and it said it was invalid. My heartbeat started to race, I knew what had happened and I only hoped that I could get it back. I was a power user you could say, I had dugg over 70,000 articles and submitted 2,940 articles of which 2,084 went popular”, he said.

Wahhh. Wahhh.

Maxwell attempted to appeal the decision 4 times, in a flurry of emails exchanged between himself and a Digg technical support officer by the name of John R. But each email he sent resulted in the same response from technical support, “no, you can’t have your account back.”

This move has sparked controversy as many power users on Digg have been banned due to similar reasons lately. Maxwell believes that the reasoning behind the bans is simply because users are complaining about the constant lack of diversity in user submissions on the front page, and not due to the use of scripts or other methods that are against the Digg TOS.

Maxwell has stated that he will return to Digg with a new account and different I.P address, but this time plot his moves more carefully.

“I have no choice but to create a new account. All of my hard work is gone, but I can start again. I have no option but to go back, my life is Digg. I hope to lose my virginity one day, but I am scared if I leave my computer and not Digg my friends submissions, they will delete me and none of my submissions will hit the front page when I need to shout spam them”, he said.

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BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA - Notorious pedophile and media scapegoat Dennis Ferguson was caught yesterday by authorities after a digital camera he just purchased had over 500 pictures of 10/12 year old boys in provocative poses on the cameras 4 gigabyte SD card.

According to head investigator of the bust Sergeant Tom Croydon, during a routine inspection of Mr. Ferguson’s temporary home a digital camera with the pictures in question was found.

When Mr. Ferguson was asked about the images in question, he immediately claimed that the pictures “came with the camera”. He then went on to say that when he purchased the camera he did not know what was on it until the police searched through the SD card and questioned him.

The camera in question was found hidden under Mr. Ferguson’s mattress along with a tube of lubricant, a pair of gloves, some rope and a large roll of duct tape. Police do not believe that the other items are connected with the camera in any way.

Mr. Ferguson is currently in protective custody until January 15th, 2009 where he is expected to face charges of possessing child pornography and attempting to molest a police officer.

“I just offered the neighbours to be the photographer at their sons 8 year old birthday party, thats the only reason I bought the camera. Not to take photos of underage boys” , He said. “I was going to take photos for free as well, because I am a nice guy”, he also said.

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Pictured: Michael Jones travelling through time.

A 36 year old London man has died after it was believed he travelled back in time to give himself winning numbers to a British lottery and forgot to take care in London traffic and was hit by a double-decker bus at a busy intersection.

Michael Jones a 36 year old average Joe from the lower class suburbs of London had found a way to manipulate the space time continuum one afternoon whilst trying to make some minor adjustments to his wife’s toaster to make it cook toast faster.

He kept the invention a secret from the government knowing that possessing such a device would result in it being taken away for further study.

It has been revealed by his wife that he successfully travelled back in time a total of six times.

I didn’t believe him at first. But when he showed me the autographs he got of some famous fifties celebrities I knew it was for real. He would go away for minutes, sometimes hours and comeback with various memorabilia and expensive looking things.

But his final and seventh trip was going to be his last. It is believed that Mr. Jones had gone back in time with the intention of giving himself winning lottery numbers to the 2006 British lottery. But in doing so he failed to watch where he was going and walked in front of a bus killing himself.

British authorities are believed to be in possession of the device and to be ignoring all attempts via the media to get answers about the device and what the future holds for time travel.

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Kevin Rudd the geeky prime minister of Australia who doesn’t seem to quite grasp the concept of unrestricted Internet access and a high speed broadband system has pledged to take former Guantanamo Bay inmates and allow them to resettle in Australia.

Exactly what Australia was missing, more convict migrants. In a move that is similar to a time when English convicts were sent to Australia to serve out their crimes, Kevin Rudd seems to be pushing for that more ‘convict time’ feel.

Kevin Rudd may have ulterior motives behind this move though. In an attempt to cut overseas outsourcing, could Kevin Rudd be trying to bring the cheap labour to Australian shores to stop this? Quite possibility. Other sources point to other motives, this move could signal that the new Australian Internet filter could in fact be powered by migrant ex-terrorists that were contained in Guantanamo Bay.

British and American citizens will soon have another reason to make fun of Australia all other again. If being a country founded on convicts was not enough, being founded on even more convicts is sure to see a surge in Australian made jokes.

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Going by this advertisement, apparently Obama wants me and my Australian friends to come and work in the USA alongside him and also get to live with him. I for one am pretty flattered, but is the white house big enough for me and my friends? Not to mention the thousands of other people that have probably seen this advertisement as well.

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You may have heard recently that an auto biographer who is releasing an unofficial autobiography on Michael Jackson has made some outlandish claims that he is dying and needs a lung transplant. But spokespeople for Michael Jackson have come out and said that Michael Jackson is fine and is preparing for a world tour. I’ll believe them for now, considering he isn’t actually dead.

But what would happen if the king of pop were to die? I have compiled ten of the most likely outcomes that would be a direct result of his death.

1. All known gossip and media magazines both off-line and online would go bankrupt and cease to exist. Without wacko jacko stories to report, these forms of media that strongly rely on Michael Jackson’s love for children would have nothing to write about, except his untimely death of course.
2. Many plastic surgeons will be out of work. Without Michael around having round the clock plastic surgery at various plastic surgery’s to protect his identity, plastic surgeons will go out of business, thus creating a surgeon shortage.
3. Exactly five days after he is buried - his body will slowly start to decompose in the soil and all of the chemicals that have been injected into his facial region over the years will start to leak and be absorbed by the soil. The chemicals will then start to kill and eventually eliminate various animal and plant species, and cause bankruptcy amongst farmers due to crops being unable to grow anymore. The direct result of this will be a fruit and vegetable shortage, which will create a fruit and vegetable recession and people will get scurvy and die due to not being able to afford fruit and vegetables.
4. It is a known fact that half of Michael Jackson died roughly 12 or so years ago (well maybe just his face). After his actual death he will be buried near at an abandoned nuclear waste dump due to not having the funds in his bank account to pay for a proper burial. 3 days after his death and due to the radiation mutating his corpse - he will come back to life and be glowing a bright shade of fluorescent green, asking for brains. He will then proceed to spread his horrible zombie plague and slowly destroy humanity. People will not believe he is really a zombie at first due to the fact he will look like he did in his music video for the song Thriller.
5. Michael Jackson will return to the music charts and radio stations globally, once again. This will result in parents and other Michael Jackson fans to sing and dance in their homes and streets in an attempt to reclaim their teenage years of listening to Michael Jackson. At exactly 12pm (lunch time) a squadron of anti Michael Jackson supporters and anti pedophile groups will start to riot in the streets. The fans will then attempt to rid the Earth of anti Michael Jackson fans and a massive fight will break out which will result in many deaths and arson attacks. At roughly 2pm (2 hours after the riots break out), skynet will activate and start destroying humanity one human at a time.
6. Parents will no longer need to check their children’s closets for Michael Jackson before they sleep. This will inevitably turn out bad, as parents will then forget to check their children’s closets for R. Kelly thus fuelling a surge in R. Kelly related child disappearances across the country.
7. A sudden influx of Michael Jackson collectables and records will be put up for sale on eBay. This will cause eBay to crash and the entire Internet to become overloaded, unstable and then eventually explode.
8. A new type of Internet meme will be created called the “Wacko Jacko Link Jack”. After this meme has been created, thousands of Digg users will then proceed to Digg and submit any story containing the words Wacko Jacko for 2 weeks straight. This will then cause Kevin Rose to morph into a Cyclops type beast and go on a killing spree, while Digg users continue submitting and leaving comments with pedobear ascii art.
9. A secret will be revealed by the FBI that Michael Jackson is the only known form of defence against an asteroid hitting Earth and killing us all. 2 months and 6 days after his death, an asteroid will get caught in Earth’s gravitational pull and start to head for the Atlantic ocean. Once it hits the ocean at approximately 3000 km/h -  a massive tidal wave of lava and boiling water will rocket across the Earth destroying anything in its path. After 15 minutes the wave would have destroyed 96% of the Earth and 98% of it’s population.
10. After Michael Jackson’s death, a new breed of Michael Jackson impersonator will emerge, fuelled by high unemployment rates and the deepening recession. However appearing harmless, these new impersonators will not reduce their carbon emissions and drive gas guzzling hummers due to the sudden decrease in fuel prices. This will then result in carbon emissions increasing by 700% and create environmental chaos. Ice caps will start to melt at a faster rate in the Antarctic and cute polar bears will start to die, eventuall becoming extinct and messing up the entire Antarctic food chain permanently.

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