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US Govt To Use Panic! At The Disco For Interrogation of Terrorists

by Probably Sucks on 01. Jun, 2009 in Satire

Barrack Obama has revealed that the United States Government will be trialling music by Panic! At The Disco as a means to interrogate suspected terrorists under it’s new PATD! policy introduced yesterday.

Panic! At The Disco have been torturing many innocent listeners through the radio and Internet for the past few years now whilst profiting from it. Now, the United States Government has finally realised that PATD! is the perfect way to interrogate suspected terrorists under it’s new PATD! policy to much praise and criticism.

Using various songs including “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”, the United States government has found that no one is capable of listening to more than 7 minutes of Panic! At The Disco music without going insane and suffering from severe depression and psychological disorders.

Early tests have shown promising results and Barack Obama has assured us that no one will ever have to be subjected to seven minutes of Panic! At The Disco music because it would be classed as illegal torture under current US policies. Not to mention the damage that would be caused would be as he put it “too immense for any man or women to bear.”

Panic! At The Disco front man Brendon Urie said: “We are honoured that the government acknowledges that we are a band and that we make decent enough music that even terrorists can listen too and enjoy.”

Implementation of the PATD! strategy is expected to be fully implemented by the end of 2009 according to Obama.

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The Thieves In Mexico Don't Just Rob You

by Probably Sucks on 10. May, 2009 in Satire

It’s bad enough that in Mexico you can catch Swine Flu and die, but now it would seem as though the survivors in Mexico have gone crazy turning into thieves robbing you with 40 centimetre long machetes, taking all of your belongings and then forcing you to hear them sing, whilst being dressed as a cowboy.

Vicente Fernandez a Mexican thief who dressed up as a singing cowboy has been caught by Mexican police after allegedly scaring passers by to hand over their belongings and then forcing them to listen to him sing.

They have Swine Flu in Mexico, so no doubt when this guy was robbing his victims and singing to them, he was spreading Swine Flu at the same time as well, that dirty bastard.

Now all we need is for Chad Kroeger from Nickelback to team up with Vicente and bring out an album, then Mexico is really fucked.

Source: http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/05/10/2565919.htm

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Sri Lankan Military Replaces It's Weapons With Shells

by Probably Sucks on 10. May, 2009 in Satire

In a shock move the Sri Lankan government has replaced all of it’s armed forces weapons with shells instead. It even reportedly performed a beta test on May 10th in which they apparently killed 378 of their own innocent civilians with this new shell weapon technology.

“1,122 others had been injured – and more bodies were on beaches and by the sides of roads.”, said a BBC official. Going on what the BBC official had to say, it would seem as though Sri Lankan forces started shelling civilians on the beach where shells are synonymously known to be and then continued up the banks to the main roads and continued on for sometime after.

Although it is apparent that this is a result of the Sri Lankan military initiating attacks on civilians, Sri Lankan armed forces deny shelling their own people and insist that they would never use a shell as a weapon against on of their own kind.

It is also reported that Sri Lanka will be announcing a public holiday for it’s people which will be appropriately titled ‘Kill Your Own People Day’ – in which you get the day off only to be most likely shelled by the Sri Lankan military.

Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/8042341.stm

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Kanye West Is Responsible For Swine Flu

by Probably Sucks on 10. May, 2009 in Satire

Kanye “ihatewhitepeople” West the outspoken, highly illiterate hip hop artist and voice of the gutter generation is believed to be responsible for the current Swine Flu epidemic it has been revealed. After getting incredibly drunk in Mexico with his homies and drinking a forty, Kanye West reportedly had sex with a pig against it’s will, mistaking it for none other than Beyonce Knowles – one witness recalls.

“The pig was struggling and squealing, but Kanye kept having his way with it – repeatedly telling the pig to ‘shut your mouth Beyonce, hoe’. The pig was very sick with the flu at the time and it didn’t have the energy to fight back against Mr. West“, said one disturbed witness who was at the party.

Soon after the alleged event, Mr. West then proceeded to try and impregnate half of Mexico’s female population with his evil man jam, all while spreading this new mutant form of pig flu which he contracted from the party he was at earlier.

A timeline of the events leading up to when the pandemic begun is below for your reference.

8:01pm – Kanye West drinks a forty and finishes off a 45 minute conversation about a new pair of shoes he just bought, remarking over how cute and motherfucking bad-ass they were.

8:06pm – Five minutes after finishing his forty, Kanye West reportedly sees who he believes to be Beyonce Knowles, although it is only a pig, both Beyonce and a pig have a lot more in common than some people think.

8:12pm – After 6 failed minutes of trying to impress Beyonce Knowles the pig and get a response, Kanye West then proceeds to force it to it’s side and take off all sixteen of his belts.

8:12:45pm – The pig tells Kanye West that it isn’t Beyonce Knowles, Mr. West naturally doesn’t understand because Kanye only speaks douche and not pig Latin. Kanye West begins to have his way with the pig, boasting to everyone watching how he was getting it on with Beyonce.

8:13pm – After 15 seconds Kanye West prematurely ejaculates inside of the pig and remarks over how good he was, and if it was as good for her as it was for him.

9:00pm – Kanye West then proceeds to rape and have his way with half the female population of Mexico all whilst yelling profanities and remarking over how in superior white people are to black people, and how all haters should “just stop hatin’ on me’”

Soon after contracting pig flu, Mr. West then proceeded to head back to America infecting anyone he came into contact too, or pissed on at his concerts with the newly created Swine Flu strain.

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Research Finds Nickelback Is Responsible For Global Warming

by Probably Sucks on 06. May, 2009 in Satire

An Australian led team of environmental scientists who have been conducting a 3 year long study in a Melbourne lab believe that they have discovered what causes global warming, the answer: Nickelback.

The report which isn’t expected to be released until September, 2010 is said to reveal alarming information on just how much damage Nickelback have done to the ozone layer and environment itself as a result of their bad music and haircuts.

The research also reveals that Chad Kroeger’s beard possesses psycho-therapeutic powers of which he uses to convince people that they should buy Nickelback’s music and go to their concerts. Scientist’s assure us that they’re working on the antidote to Chad Kroeger’s beard.

Symptoms of a severe Nickelback outbreak have started to show in Sydney, Australia and scientist’s are currently trying to work out how to stop it before it is too late

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