To many a Kings of Leon CD appears relatively harmless, but it has been revealed that Kings of Leon is capable of causing severe injury and in most cases death, according to secret tests revealed today.

The results revealed that listening to Kings of Leon’s music can rupture one or both of your ear drums causing internal bleeding into the brain, and the only symptom you’ll have is a bad headache according to European Commission researchers.

All CD releases by Kings of Leon are capable of causing damage and death, but according to the researchers those who are exposed to any of their later material might be most at risk, due to there being more whining than their previous releases which is said to be the cause of the damage the music causes.

In 2008, 400 people needed hospital treatment after being exposed to Kings of Leon with minor to severe injuries, with 85 of those dying from their injuries shortly after the damage had been caused.

Meglena Kuneva, European Commissioner for Consumer Affairs, said: “This report is a wake-up call. National authorities and industry will redouble efforts to crack down on the distribution and release of Kings of Leon’s music. But consumers also need to work to minimise safety risks: so be vigilant, be active and be aware, that way everyone can have a safe and happy Christmas.”

Authorities have reported that upon Madoff’s arrival in prison, Big Johnny (a fellow jail inmate) proclaimed to his fellow cell-mates: “Mmmm. Mmm. That bitch is mine. Looks like I got me some white chocolate.”

Big Johnny's Prison Bitch.. Bernard Madoff

Bernard Madoff apparently was very intrigued by Big Johnny’s prison tattoo’s and prison sculpted figure. Although there is speculation Bernard may only be Big Johnny’s bitch for protective purposes in prison, and any affection he shows is purely feigned.

An expert in prison dating and ethics told Probably Sucks:

“Bernard Madoff has proven to be very popular amongst fellow prison inmates, but only because he’s a new piece of ass on the block. Compared to dating outside of prison walls, prison inmates aren’t as picky and will take whatever they can get. Bernard is just a phase and soon he’ll be probably be shived after Big Johnny gets sick of him in a few weeks.”

“You see it all of the time. New guy goes to jail, he immediately becomes someone else’s bitch before he even knows it. As I said, prison dating is a lot different than the outside world. But usually it only takes a couple of weeks to fully adjust to the situation you may find yourself forced into”

At around 11:30pm Wednesday night Timmy Rogers went to bed like any other night, only this time he wasn’t alone. He claims to have heard weird sounds and singing coming from underneath his bed, which sounded like the radio, so he went back to sleep.

He touched many of us. Especially little boys

“I heard singing that sounded like it was coming from a radio, underneath my bed, so I just went back to sleep at first. But then I heard noises as well, they were like ‘hehe’ and ‘woo’ – kinda like they were very high pitched,” claims Timmy.

“I decided to look underneath the bed even though I was scared, and at first I saw nothing. Then this ghost appeared in front of me and I was really scared. The ghost told me not to be scared and that he was on a mission from God to save and love the children. He said he was an angel and God told him to give me angel super powers.”

“When I realised it was Michael Jackson I yelled for help and my parents ran in, but he disappeared.”

Joe (Timmy’s father) said “I knew it, I knew he was still roaming around molesting kids, fiddling with their loose bits. That’s why I always make sure the mini vacuum is charged up and ready to go if any spirits try and molest my kids!”

Timmy’s parents (Mimi & Joe) are planning on suing the Michael Jackson estate for $23 million dollars for emotional stress caused by the attack on their son and to make some renovations to their aging home.

Michael Jackson could not be reached for comment, because he’s dead.

Known as ‘complete crap’ by Metallica fans – St. Anger was not very well received by veteran and new Metallica fans alike. So the reaction was not a very welcomed one by Metallica fans who were at the show to see the cover band.

A photo of Metal Licker's most successful show to date in Vietnam

Reactions from concert goers were mixed with some saying that they actually didn’t mind Metal Licker playing a few St. Anger tracks, others were not so kind.

“I was like, what the fuck dude? And everyone else was like what the fuck man?”

“Man, I want my money back!”

“Dude, St. Anger blows. What a bunch of douches”

“Great, now my mother is upset. When my mother is upset, I get upset. And when I get upset, I hurt people!”

Soon after trying to play the track ‘Frantic’ off the album St. Anger – bottles and other objects were hurled at the cover band as they tried to calm the crowd down.

“You all suck dicks! We fucked all of your slutty mothers! You all suck,” yelled the band in an attempt to try and calm down the furious crowd.

The band has said that it will continue to put on more shows in the future, and may consider not playing tracks off St. Anger next time.

The research team from Australian National University developed this new approach whilst cooking a barbecue and drinking large quantities of beer late one Saturday night. This is how this well known team of prominent Australian researchers regularly find solutions to common Australian and worldwide problems.

A hungover Australian researcher

Most people believe that others who get everyone else around them to do things for them is essentially doing nothing, but the research team proves otherwise. This new method of doing nothing reveals that those who who rely on others around them to do things for them are effectively doing something.

You’re lazy, fat and just drank a carton of beer; so you fetch little Sally to get you another 4 slices of pizza and clean the leaves out of the gutters, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing nothing.

Our test results have revealed that if you ask someone to do something for you, you are technically doing something. The results also reveal if you want to do completely nothing, don’t ask anyone else to do anything for you, and don’t do anything for someone else,” revealed head research, David Abdul.

This new discovery is set to revolutionise and strengthen the great Australian past-time of doing absolutely nothing (except when it involves beer or cars).

Barack Obama for the last two months has been accruing large amounts of blind orphans to use against North Korea if they do decided to launch an attack any time soon. The blind orphans will be asked to wear vests covered in high-powered explosives and then catapulted at key North Korean areas of interest.

He's saving the orphans

Although this plan has come under fire from family groups and human rights activists, Obama assures us that this plan is harmless and he is providing these orphans with a life they never had before being selected.

“Blind orphans, they have no family, they have no friends, they have no eyesight. I am giving these orphans something their orphanage carers could never afford to provide them, a free trip to North Korea, all expenses paid courtesy of the American government,”said Barack Obama.

It is not known just how many blind orphans the government have acquired, but it is expected to be higher than 2,000.

However it also has been revealed that 100% of all people who took part in the study have no idea who Simple Plan is, due to there not being any radio stations in the outback that play anything but Slim Dusty and other deceased Australian country music stars.

Revolutionary: Darly Summers shows us how the survey results were achieved

“It’s amazing. We knew Simple Plan were one of the crappiest bands alive, but we didn’t expect to achieve such insightful results. Mainly because we blew most of the allocated funds for the study on bottles of rum and firearms,” said Daryl Summers – Head researcher at the Nowhere Laboratory somewhere in the Australian outback.

Researchers conclude that the final results indicate that nobody likes Simple Plan and that the small majority of people who do like Simple Plan will be shot, most likely by a drunken researcher smelling of rum and waving around a rifle in the Australian outback.

This shocking news may finally shed some light on why Senator Conroy hates the Internet so much and why he is planning to single-underhandedly stop all Australians from accessing it eventually.

“He’s sugar-coating his intentions, he really wants to block Internet traffic with this filter because he’s scared he’ll be molested again”, said political analyst Peter Byrne’s.

He's thinking of the children.

The molestation believed to have occurred over a period of several weeks or more, Stephen Conroy was held against his will by an unnamed website where he was then forced to watch all kinds of pornography against his will – including animal pornography. He recalls of his horror and how he feels completely violated by the whole situation.

“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do; I was molested by the Internet. I was checking my fan email one night and after finishing some replies and a pop-up advertisement appeared telling me my computer was slow. I didn’t want my computer to be slow, so I clicked it. Soon after clicking it – pornography windows opened up everywhere and I was forced to watch it. I was terrified, I couldn’t leave my seat. It was the worse experience of my life,” recalls Senator Conroy.

“I’ve since moved on with my life and I am planning to single-handledy prevent anyone else in Australia being subjected to the horrors of pornography for over several weeks like I was. My Internet filter will be the best thing since Youtube to happen to the Internet. You’ll see.”

The website in question has since been removed and given an ear bashing by Kevin Rudd in fluent Mandarin for the heinous “un-Australian act” committed.

The great battle of Xenu 2002

John Travolta has revealed that Scientology scientists have claimed that they would be able to bring his son Jett Travolta back from the dead, only if he makes a substantially large and generous donation to the Scientology religion. He is said to be in negotiations with Scientologist leaders but is not allowed to reveal the amount donated due to a strict NDA (Non-disclosure Agreement).

How the cure works is unknown, but it is believed that it may have been given to Scientologist scientists by aliens from another planet on a peace mission to Earth six months ago.

“Scientologist’s helped their race by destroying the evil Xenu spirits and so they gave us the cure to death. I’m not at liberty to say what they gave us or how it even works, I’m not supposed to reveal details of which may uncover it’s secret”, revealed a secret insider.

Scientologist representatives have stated the cure is real and that they would have no reason to ever lie or deceive anyone with misinformation or lies. Although some people have already pointed out the irony in that statement.

1 Cold Wind Blows
2 Talkin’ 2 Myself feat. Kobe
3 On Fire
4 Won’t Back Down feat. P!NK
5 W.T.P.
6 Going Through Changes
7 Not Afraid
8 Seduction
9 No Love feat. Lil Wayne
10 Space Bound
11 Cinderella Man
12 25 to Life
13 So Bad
14 Almost Famous
15 Love the Way You Lie feat. Rihanna
16 You’re Never Over

To download the Eminem “Recovery” album leak click here.