Archive for the 'Satire' Category

Kings of Leon Can Kill – Researchers

Published on December 2, 2009 in Satire. 2 Comments

kings of leon

To many a Kings of Leon CD appears relatively harmless, but it has been revealed that Kings of Leon is capable of causing severe injury and in most cases death, according to secret tests revealed today.

The results revealed that listening to Kings of Leon’s music can rupture one or both of your ear drums causing internal bleeding into the brain, and the only symptom you’ll have is a bad headache according to European Commission researchers.

All CD releases by Kings of Leon are capable of causing damage and death, but according to the researchers those who are exposed to any of their later material might be most at risk, due to there being more whining than their previous releases which is said to be the cause of the damage the music causes.

In 2008, 400 people needed hospital treatment after being exposed to Kings of Leon with minor to severe injuries, with 85 of those dying from their injuries shortly after the damage had been caused.

Meglena Kuneva, European Commissioner for Consumer Affairs, said: “This report is a wake-up call. National authorities and industry will redouble efforts to crack down on the distribution and release of Kings of Leon’s music. But consumers also need to work to minimise safety risks: so be vigilant, be active and be aware, that way everyone can have a safe and happy Christmas.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

Bernard Madoff Finds Love In Jail

Published on July 7, 2009 in Satire. 2 Comments

Seventy two year old fraudster Bernard “Jail Bait” Madoff has proven to the rest of the world that you can never be too old to find love, not even in jail.

Authorities have reported that upon Madoff’s arrival in prison, Big Johnny (a fellow jail inmate) proclaimed to his fellow cell-mates: “Mmmm. Mmm. That bitch is mine. Looks like I got me some white chocolate.”

Big Johnny's Prison Bitch.. Bernard Madoff

Big Johnny's Prison Bitch.. Bernard Madoff

Bernard Madoff apparently was very intrigued by Big Johnny’s prison tattoo’s and prison sculpted figure. Although there is speculation Bernard may only be Big Johnny’s bitch for protective purposes in prison, and any affection he shows is purely feigned.

An expert in prison dating and ethics told Probably Sucks:

“Bernard Madoff has proven to be very popular amongst fellow prison inmates, but only because he’s a new piece of ass on the block. Compared to dating outside of prison walls, prison inmates aren’t as picky and will take whatever they can get. Bernard is just a phase and soon he’ll be probably be shived after Big Johnny gets sick of him in a few weeks.”

“You see it all of the time. New guy goes to jail, he immediately becomes someone else’s bitch before he even knows it. As I said, prison dating is a lot different than the outside world. But usually it only takes a couple of weeks to fully adjust to the situation you may find yourself forced into”

Popularity: 2% [?]

Young Boy Claims Michael Jackson’s Ghost Molested Him

Published on July 6, 2009 in Satire. 15 Comments

A 12 year old boy boy from the United Kingdom is alleging that he was sexually molested by the ghost of Michael Jackson late Wednesday night in his family home.

At around 11:30pm Wednesday night Timmy Rogers went to bed like any other night, only this time he wasn’t alone. He claims to have heard weird sounds and singing coming from underneath his bed, which sounded like the radio, so he went back to sleep.

He touched many of us. Especially little boys.

He touched many of us. Especially little boys

“I heard singing that sounded like it was coming from a radio, underneath my bed, so I just went back to sleep at first. But then I heard noises as well, they were like ‘hehe’ and ‘woo’ – kinda like they were very high pitched,” claims Timmy.

“I decided to look underneath the bed even though I was scared, and at first I saw nothing. Then this ghost appeared in front of me and I was really scared. The ghost told me not to be scared and that he was on a mission from God to save and love the children. He said he was an angel and God told him to give me angel super powers.”

“When I realised it was Michael Jackson I yelled for help and my parents ran in, but he disappeared.”

Joe (Timmy’s father) said “I knew it, I knew he was still roaming around molesting kids, fiddling with their loose bits. That’s why I always make sure the mini vacuum is charged up and ready to go if any spirits try and molest my kids!”

Timmy’s parents (Mimi & Joe) are planning on suing the Michael Jackson estate for $23 million dollars for emotional stress caused by the attack on their son and to make some renovations to their aging home.

Michael Jackson could not be reached for comment, because he’s dead.

Popularity: 5% [?]

Metallica Cover Band Boo’d Off Stage For Playing St. Anger Tracks

Published on July 3, 2009 in Satire. 2 Comments

A Metallica cover band that goes by the name ‘Metal Licker’ has been boo’d off stage today after they attempted to play tracks off the Metallica album St. Anger at a free show they decided to put on in their local 7-11 car park.

Known as ‘complete crap’ by Metallica fans – St. Anger was not very well received by veteran and new Metallica fans alike. So the reaction was not a very welcomed one by Metallica fans who were at the show to see the cover band.

A photo of Metal Licker's most successful show to date in Vietnam

A photo of Metal Licker's most successful show to date in Vietnam

Reactions from concert goers were mixed with some saying that they actually didn’t mind Metal Licker playing a few St. Anger tracks, others were not so kind.

“I was like, what the fuck dude? And everyone else was like what the fuck man?”

“Man, I want my money back!”

“Dude, St. Anger blows. What a bunch of douches”

“Great, now my mother is upset. When my mother is upset, I get upset. And when I get upset, I hurt people!”

Soon after trying to play the track ‘Frantic’ off the album St. Anger – bottles and other objects were hurled at the cover band as they tried to calm the crowd down.

“You all suck dicks! We fucked all of your slutty mothers! You all suck,” yelled the band in an attempt to try and calm down the furious crowd.

The band has said that it will continue to put on more shows in the future, and may consider not playing tracks off St. Anger next time.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Australian Scientist’s Have Developed A New Method Of ‘Doing Nothing’

Published on July 3, 2009 in Satire. 3 Comments

AUSTRALIAN Scientists have developed a new method of ‘doing absolutely nothing’ (a favourite past time of most inhabitants of Australia) – after a drunken gathering on the weekend.

The research team from Australian National University developed this new approach whilst cooking a barbecue and drinking large quantities of beer late one Saturday night. This is how this well known team of prominent Australian researchers regularly find solutions to common Australian and worldwide problems.

A hungover Australian researcher

A hungover Australian researcher

Most people believe that others who get everyone else around them to do things for them is essentially doing nothing, but the research team proves otherwise. This new method of doing nothing reveals that those who who rely on others around them to do things for them are effectively doing something.

You’re lazy, fat and just drank a carton of beer; so you fetch little Sally to get you another 4 slices of pizza and clean the leaves out of the gutters, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing nothing.

Our test results have revealed that if you ask someone to do something for you, you are technically doing something. The results also reveal if you want to do completely nothing, don’t ask anyone else to do anything for you, and don’t do anything for someone else,” revealed head research, David Abdul.

This new discovery is set to revolutionise and strengthen the great Australian past-time of doing absolutely nothing (except when it involves beer or cars).

Popularity: 1% [?]

Blind Orphans, The USA’s Secret Weapon Against North Korea

Published on July 2, 2009 in Satire. 0 Comments

As tension escalates between North Korea and The United States, The United States have been stealthily developing a new weapon to ensure that America remains unscathed from any possible attacks by Kim Jong-Il’s regiment.

Barack Obama for the last two months has been accruing large amounts of blind orphans to use against North Korea if they do decided to launch an attack any time soon. The blind orphans will be asked to wear vests covered in high-powered explosives and then catapulted at key North Korean areas of interest.

He's saving the orphans

He's saving the orphans

Although this plan has come under fire from family groups and human rights activists, Obama assures us that this plan is harmless and he is providing these orphans with a life they never had before being selected.

“Blind orphans, they have no family, they have no friends, they have no eyesight. I am giving these orphans something their orphanage carers could never afford to provide them, a free trip to North Korea, all expenses paid courtesy of the American government,”said Barack Obama.

It is not known just how many blind orphans the government have acquired, but it is expected to be higher than 2,000.

Popularity: 3% [?]

A Recent Australian Study Finds 3 in 4 People Agree Simple Plan Sucks

Published on July 1, 2009 in Satire. 1 Comment

A recent study conducted in the Australian Outback has concluded that 94% of all people surveyed agree that Simple Plan sucks.

However it also has been revealed that 100% of all people who took part in the study have no idea who Simple Plan is, due to there not being any radio stations in the outback that play anything but Slim Dusty and other deceased Australian country music stars.

Revolutionary: Darly Summers shows us how the survey results were achieved

Revolutionary: Darly Summers shows us how the survey results were achieved

“It’s amazing. We knew Simple Plan were one of the crappiest bands alive, but we didn’t expect to achieve such insightful results. Mainly because we blew most of the allocated funds for the study on bottles of rum and firearms,” said Daryl Summers – Head researcher at the Nowhere Laboratory somewhere in the Australian outback.

Researchers conclude that the final results indicate that nobody likes Simple Plan and that the small majority of people who do like Simple Plan will be shot, most likely by a drunken researcher smelling of rum and waving around a rifle in the Australian outback.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Senator Stephen Conroy Reveals He Was Molested By The Internet

Published on June 30, 2009 in Satire. 14 Comments

CANBERRA, Australia – In one of the most startling revelations, Senator Stephen Conroy (Minister for Broadband and Communications of Australia) has revealed that the reason he hates the Internet so much is because he was sexually molested by it a few years ago.

This shocking news may finally shed some light on why Senator Conroy hates the Internet so much and why he is planning to single-underhandedly stop all Australians from accessing it eventually.

“He’s sugar-coating his intentions, he really wants to block Internet traffic with this filter because he’s scared he’ll be molested again”, said political analyst Peter Byrne’s.

He's thinking of the children.

He's thinking of the children.

The molestation believed to have occurred over a period of several weeks or more, Stephen Conroy was held against his will by an unnamed website where he was then forced to watch all kinds of pornography against his will – including animal pornography. He recalls of his horror and how he feels completely violated by the whole situation.

“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do; I was molested by the Internet. I was checking my fan email one night and after finishing some replies and a pop-up advertisement appeared telling me my computer was slow. I didn’t want my computer to be slow, so I clicked it. Soon after clicking it – pornography windows opened up everywhere and I was forced to watch it. I was terrified, I couldn’t leave my seat. It was the worse experience of my life,” recalls Senator Conroy.

“I’ve since moved on with my life and I am planning to single-handledy prevent anyone else in Australia being subjected to the horrors of pornography for over several weeks like I was. My Internet filter will be the best thing since Youtube to happen to the Internet. You’ll see.”

The website in question has since been removed and given an ear bashing by Kevin Rudd in fluent Mandarin for the heinous “un-Australian act” committed.

Popularity: 4% [?]

Scientologists Claim To Be Able To Cure Michael Jackson’s Death

Published on June 26, 2009 in Satire. 3 Comments

ORANGE COUNTY, CA – A small team of Scientology funded scientists claim to have found a cure for death and have revealed that they would be able to bring Michael Jackson back too life, as well as any other living being that is no longer living any more. In return they’re asking that each person that is resurrected using their cure be only allowed to choose Scientology as their religion.

The great battle of Xenu 2002

The great battle of Xenu 2002

John Travolta has revealed that Scientology scientists have claimed that they would be able to bring his son Jett Travolta back from the dead, only if he makes a substantially large and generous donation to the Scientology religion. He is said to be in negotiations with Scientologist leaders but is not allowed to reveal the amount donated due to a strict NDA (Non-disclosure Agreement).

How the cure works is unknown, but it is believed that it may have been given to Scientologist scientists by aliens from another planet on a peace mission to Earth six months ago.

“Scientologist’s helped their race by destroying the evil Xenu spirits and so they gave us the cure to death. I’m not at liberty to say what they gave us or how it even works, I’m not supposed to reveal details of which may uncover it’s secret”, revealed a secret insider.

Scientologist representatives have stated the cure is real and that they would have no reason to ever lie or deceive anyone with misinformation or lies. Although some people have already pointed out the irony in that statement.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Eminem Relapse 2: Official Track Listing and Partially Leaked Lyrics

Published on June 25, 2009 in Music & Reviews and Satire. 174 Comments

There are a lot of fake track listings going around on the Internet about Eminem’s follow up to Relapse titled ‘Relapse 2′ – this is the true track listing and even includes partially leaked lyrics from some tracks. Although the track times are obviously not listed.

Judging by some of the lyrics, he’s still talking about assault, rape and drugs. Seems like he has gone back to his shocking ways, I guess when we hear the beats it will be different.

I cannot reveal how I got this whatsoever, but it’s legitimacy is 100% real from an inside source involved in the process of Relapse 2.

** Update **

Track 9 is actually called, Hallucination.
Track 7 release title is, Insult To Injury. You Can’t Be Me was an internal track name.

One of the tracks below

1. Dr. West (Intro/Return to sobriety)
2. Just A Song About Beating Up Ho’s
3. It’s Crackmas in Detroit
4. Ken Kannif (Skit)
5. Drugs For Dinner Again
6. Relapse Dance
7. Insult To Injury
8. Overdosing
9. Hallucination
10. Paul (Skit)
11. My Basement (Ft. Lil Wayne)
12. Infiltrate
13. Back In The Real World
14. Take It Away (Ft. 50 Cent & Dr. Dre)
15. Am I An Addict?
16. Jesus Complex
17. Bad Influence
18. We’ll Miss You (ft. D12)
19. Keep It Together
20. This Is Not The End (outro)

Just A Song About Beating Up Ho’s (Partially leaked lyrics)

Yo, let’s go back to 1973 again
Before I got hooked on momma’s valium
Prescription drugs wreckin’ ma brain
Momma is it Christmas again, or am I just hallucinatin?
By the age of 12, I was already assaultin’
All those girls around me, I became fixated by em’
It aint rape girl if you’re unconscious
I dragged her body back to mr andrews office

Back In The Real World (partially leaked lyrics)

Look who’s back for round two
I bet you didn’t expect this
Now imma cut these posers in two
You see in my little demise
I was feeling down and blue
Until I found myself and wrote shit down
Now I’m back, so fuck all of you
It was like I was on another planet
That’s what methadone can do
Now I’m straight, back in the game
And coming for you

My Basement (partially leaked lyrics)

Eminem:
Down in my basement
Down in my basement
You can hear the screams
Coming up through the floor
We just finished your torture
How bout time for round four
Sound proof walls
So scream til you’re sore
So when we use power tools
We’ll torture some more

Lil Wayne:
When I got out of state
I said I wouldn’t kill no more
Until I developed the taste
For disobeying the law

Hallucination (partially leaked lyrics)

Is this all real, I mean really fucking real?
Because when I was lost, I forgot how to fucking feel
Shady, you’ve been gone way too long, where you been?
The game has turned to shit, the haters keep on hatin’
They keep on trying, they call it spittin’
Well I call it rappin’, lets set the game straight
You think you’ve set a standard, you think you’re talented
You try to rhyme apples with oranges, and come up empty handed
Your fucking flow is tainted, your tank is running low
It’s time to step aside, and watch how shady spits his flow

You keep on hating, but you’re just hallucinating
You keep on hating, but I keep on writing
I scribble my pen for my next hit
Who woulda’ thought I’d be famous for venting shit?

Popularity: 100% [?]