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Archive | July, 2009

He Is Legend – It Hates You Album Review

by Probably Sucks on 17. Jul, 2009 in Music & Reviews

He Is Legend have been around for quite a few years now and 1 ep and 2 albums later, He Is Legend have released the much anticipated It Hates You. Although the album isn’t a complete train-wreck, it’s not as good as it could be either. It’s lacking a lot of that trademark He Is Legend energy.

He Is Legend seem to have been plagued with problems ever since the conception of Suck Out The Poison back in 2006 with news of break-ups and hiatus’s, only to have them comeback and release the album. There is a lot of uncertainty and doubt, and this also happened with It Hates You.

It Hates You seems to successfully manage to combine southern rock with melodic elements and catchy bass lines. It’s kind of dark, but also upbeat at the same time.

It has a very Suck Out The Poison type feel to it, with some songs sadly feeling incomplete and like they consist of recycled guitar riffs from Suck Out The Poison.

The vocals however could have been a bit better. Vocalist Schuylar Croom no longer seems to scream like he did in previous albums, and now seems to use raspy deep singing instead.

This album is annoying at times, and great at other times. Some tracks seem to generate the feeling of being rushed, or like they’re simply filler tracks. You can hear this by comparing tracks such as; Don’t Touch That Dial and Party Time!!!.

The diva type vocals in some of the songs that were also on Suck Out The Poison (but not the same person) seem to have made a comeback. They sure do love adding ‘oooh, whoaaaa, ohhhhh’ into their songs in the background.

A lot of the songs on this album, I’d say about 70% don’t really have any playback worthiness to them. Which is sad, because I really did like this bands previous material.

If they manage to stay together, I’m sure their next album will be better no doubt.

Some of the stand-out tracks on this album are; Futures Bright, Man. Dicephalous. Everyone I Know Has Fangs.

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Why You Shouldn't Take Advice From Yahoo! Answers

by Probably Sucks on 15. Jul, 2009 in Images & Visual Stuff

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A Note I Found In My Workplace Bathroom

by Probably Sucks on 14. Jul, 2009 in Images & Visual Stuff

I went to the bathroom the other day, walked into the toilet cubicle and what do I see? A fucking note claiming to be from a pube-a-phobic. I laughed my ass off (literally), I was sitting on the toilet reading it.

It was attached to the bathroom stall door, so it’s visible only when you close the door to defecate your workplace bathroom with your smelly curry you had for lunch.

The note reads:

PLEASE!

Stop leaving your pubes on the toilet seat.

Also, the toilets are always messy. If its you, please stop it.

If its not you – then tell the person sitting beside you.

Thank you,

Pube-a-phobic

See photos of the note below. You might want to click on them to open up a bigger more readable version.

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Bernard Madoff Finds Love In Jail

by Probably Sucks on 07. Jul, 2009 in Satire

Seventy two year old fraudster Bernard “Jail Bait” Madoff has proven to the rest of the world that you can never be too old to find love, not even in jail.

Authorities have reported that upon Madoff’s arrival in prison, Big Johnny (a fellow jail inmate) proclaimed to his fellow cell-mates: “Mmmm. Mmm. That bitch is mine. Looks like I got me some white chocolate.”

Big Johnny's Prison Bitch.. Bernard Madoff

Bernard Madoff apparently was very intrigued by Big Johnny’s prison tattoo’s and prison sculpted figure. Although there is speculation Bernard may only be Big Johnny’s bitch for protective purposes in prison, and any affection he shows is purely feigned.

An expert in prison dating and ethics told Probably Sucks:

“Bernard Madoff has proven to be very popular amongst fellow prison inmates, but only because he’s a new piece of ass on the block. Compared to dating outside of prison walls, prison inmates aren’t as picky and will take whatever they can get. Bernard is just a phase and soon he’ll be probably be shived after Big Johnny gets sick of him in a few weeks.”

“You see it all of the time. New guy goes to jail, he immediately becomes someone else’s bitch before he even knows it. As I said, prison dating is a lot different than the outside world. But usually it only takes a couple of weeks to fully adjust to the situation you may find yourself forced into”

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The Pirate Bay Sells Out, Ha

by Probably Sucks on 07. Jul, 2009 in Music & Reviews, Opinion, Web Services

It was inevitable. The Pirate Bay provided a service, got popular because of the visitors that came to the site wanting free torrent downloads, and when the site is at the peak of it’s popularity, it’s sold. In most cultures this is called ‘selling out’.

The Pirate Bay founders cite that they couldn’t have taken the site any further and needed to sell it. More like, the site has been increasingly popular since the trials of it’s founders and they’re capitalising on that. They’re bailing on everyone, and you people defended these guys. Seriously? Come on. The Pirate Bay founders have effectively sold out and at your expense, I hope that makes you mad.

Thanks, and fuck you all. Love, The Pirate Bay.

The Pirate Bay will now will now most likely be turned into a pay-to-access site, meaning you will have to pay for content. Doesn’t that kind of undermine what The Pirate Bay was meant to be about in the first place? Free stuff. The new owners of the Pirate Bay want copyright owners to be compensated for their works being distributed, someone get me a bucket to puke in.

I knew The Pirate Bay founders didn’t care about their users. If they cared about their user-base, they wouldn’t have sold out for a huge sum of cash. The Pirate Bay will never be like it was, not that is was that good, but it was big and responsible for distributing a lot of free torrents on the web.

The company that The Pirate Bay sold to is called Global Gaming Factory and it wouldn’t surprise me if you dig deep you might find out that this Global Gaming Factory company has ties with lobbyists protecting the interests of the recording companies. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest. It would be a pretty smart move, buy your enemy out so you control the rules.

It looks like a vacancy just opened up for a new torrent tracker to capitalise on the kind of success The Pirate Bay saw. Any takers?

Source: http://torrentfreak.com/the-pirate-bay-sold-to-software-company-goes-legal-090630/

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Young Boy Claims Michael Jackson's Ghost Molested Him

by Probably Sucks on 06. Jul, 2009 in Satire

A 12 year old boy boy from the United Kingdom is alleging that he was sexually molested by the ghost of Michael Jackson late Wednesday night in his family home.

At around 11:30pm Wednesday night Timmy Rogers went to bed like any other night, only this time he wasn’t alone. He claims to have heard weird sounds and singing coming from underneath his bed, which sounded like the radio, so he went back to sleep.

He touched many of us. Especially little boys

“I heard singing that sounded like it was coming from a radio, underneath my bed, so I just went back to sleep at first. But then I heard noises as well, they were like ‘hehe’ and ‘woo’ – kinda like they were very high pitched,” claims Timmy.

“I decided to look underneath the bed even though I was scared, and at first I saw nothing. Then this ghost appeared in front of me and I was really scared. The ghost told me not to be scared and that he was on a mission from God to save and love the children. He said he was an angel and God told him to give me angel super powers.”

“When I realised it was Michael Jackson I yelled for help and my parents ran in, but he disappeared.”

Joe (Timmy’s father) said “I knew it, I knew he was still roaming around molesting kids, fiddling with their loose bits. That’s why I always make sure the mini vacuum is charged up and ready to go if any spirits try and molest my kids!”

Timmy’s parents (Mimi & Joe) are planning on suing the Michael Jackson estate for $23 million dollars for emotional stress caused by the attack on their son and to make some renovations to their aging home.

Michael Jackson could not be reached for comment, because he’s dead.

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Metallica Cover Band Boo'd Off Stage For Playing St. Anger Tracks

by Probably Sucks on 03. Jul, 2009 in Satire

A Metallica cover band that goes by the name ‘Metal Licker’ has been boo’d off stage today after they attempted to play tracks off the Metallica album St. Anger at a free show they decided to put on in their local 7-11 car park.

Known as ‘complete crap’ by Metallica fans – St. Anger was not very well received by veteran and new Metallica fans alike. So the reaction was not a very welcomed one by Metallica fans who were at the show to see the cover band.

A photo of Metal Licker's most successful show to date in Vietnam

Reactions from concert goers were mixed with some saying that they actually didn’t mind Metal Licker playing a few St. Anger tracks, others were not so kind.

“I was like, what the fuck dude? And everyone else was like what the fuck man?”

“Man, I want my money back!”

“Dude, St. Anger blows. What a bunch of douches”

“Great, now my mother is upset. When my mother is upset, I get upset. And when I get upset, I hurt people!”

Soon after trying to play the track ‘Frantic’ off the album St. Anger – bottles and other objects were hurled at the cover band as they tried to calm the crowd down.

“You all suck dicks! We fucked all of your slutty mothers! You all suck,” yelled the band in an attempt to try and calm down the furious crowd.

The band has said that it will continue to put on more shows in the future, and may consider not playing tracks off St. Anger next time.

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Australian Scientist's Have Developed A New Method Of 'Doing Nothing'

by Probably Sucks on 03. Jul, 2009 in Satire

AUSTRALIAN Scientists have developed a new method of ‘doing absolutely nothing’ (a favourite past time of most inhabitants of Australia) – after a drunken gathering on the weekend.

The research team from Australian National University developed this new approach whilst cooking a barbecue and drinking large quantities of beer late one Saturday night. This is how this well known team of prominent Australian researchers regularly find solutions to common Australian and worldwide problems.

A hungover Australian researcher

Most people believe that others who get everyone else around them to do things for them is essentially doing nothing, but the research team proves otherwise. This new method of doing nothing reveals that those who who rely on others around them to do things for them are effectively doing something.

You’re lazy, fat and just drank a carton of beer; so you fetch little Sally to get you another 4 slices of pizza and clean the leaves out of the gutters, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing nothing.

Our test results have revealed that if you ask someone to do something for you, you are technically doing something. The results also reveal if you want to do completely nothing, don’t ask anyone else to do anything for you, and don’t do anything for someone else,” revealed head research, David Abdul.

This new discovery is set to revolutionise and strengthen the great Australian past-time of doing absolutely nothing (except when it involves beer or cars).

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Blind Orphans, The USA's Secret Weapon Against North Korea

by Probably Sucks on 02. Jul, 2009 in Satire

As tension escalates between North Korea and The United States, The United States have been stealthily developing a new weapon to ensure that America remains unscathed from any possible attacks by Kim Jong-Il’s regiment.

Barack Obama for the last two months has been accruing large amounts of blind orphans to use against North Korea if they do decided to launch an attack any time soon. The blind orphans will be asked to wear vests covered in high-powered explosives and then catapulted at key North Korean areas of interest.

He's saving the orphans

Although this plan has come under fire from family groups and human rights activists, Obama assures us that this plan is harmless and he is providing these orphans with a life they never had before being selected.

“Blind orphans, they have no family, they have no friends, they have no eyesight. I am giving these orphans something their orphanage carers could never afford to provide them, a free trip to North Korea, all expenses paid courtesy of the American government,”said Barack Obama.

It is not known just how many blind orphans the government have acquired, but it is expected to be higher than 2,000.

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A Recent Australian Study Finds 3 in 4 People Agree Simple Plan Sucks

by Probably Sucks on 01. Jul, 2009 in Satire

A recent study conducted in the Australian Outback has concluded that 94% of all people surveyed agree that Simple Plan sucks.

However it also has been revealed that 100% of all people who took part in the study have no idea who Simple Plan is, due to there not being any radio stations in the outback that play anything but Slim Dusty and other deceased Australian country music stars.

Revolutionary: Darly Summers shows us how the survey results were achieved

“It’s amazing. We knew Simple Plan were one of the crappiest bands alive, but we didn’t expect to achieve such insightful results. Mainly because we blew most of the allocated funds for the study on bottles of rum and firearms,” said Daryl Summers – Head researcher at the Nowhere Laboratory somewhere in the Australian outback.

Researchers conclude that the final results indicate that nobody likes Simple Plan and that the small majority of people who do like Simple Plan will be shot, most likely by a drunken researcher smelling of rum and waving around a rifle in the Australian outback.

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