Monthly Archive for June, 2009

What’s So Wrong About Animal Testing?

Published on June 30, 2009 in Opinion. 14 Comments

Shampoo, Toothpaste, Lubricant, Spray Paint, Bleach and Engine Oil – it’s all good stuff we couldn’t live without. What if I told you all of those wonderful things were only made possible due to animal testing? I do mean covering, probing and abusing animals in the name of great products.

People seem to hold the view that animal testing is torture and wrong, I say it’s a way of life. If we didn’t test products on animals, would we be the highly advanced and well-adjusted race like we are today? Of course not, don’t be silly. If we didn’t test things on animals, who would we test them on; Old people, blind orphans, religious child molesters? We already hunt animals for food, so it makes perfect sense to do everything else to them.

If it weren't for animal testing, Oprah wouldn't have been born.

If it weren't for animal testing, Oprah wouldn't have been born.

Most animals can repopulate so much easier than humans – due to there not being a drink buying or dating phase, animals can have intercourse and repopulate it’s particular animal species in less than a few minutes after meeting (in most cases). So what’s one less baby elephant or endangered Koala donated to a good laboratory cause?

I know if I were an animal, I’d be honoured to be selected for animal testing; to be a part of history, to be part of a potentially new ground breaking product like longer lasting antiperspirant or a warming lubricant to make sexual encounters in the cold (especially the Antarctic) a little less numbing and sticky.

Sure animals die during the testing phase all of the time, and I am almost certain a few baby Koala’s or rabbits are dying due to an allergic skin reaction from some cologne as we speak. Wow, what a bunch of heroes. I feel much safer knowing that some baby rabbit got skin cancer from a new cologne instead of myself. Don’t you?

Another thing: How can you trust products that claim not to test their products on animals? How do we know that those non-animal-tested products won’t make us grow another eye or mutate in a sewer dwelling creating that eats homeless people, and listens to Miley Cyrus’s music?

I believe laboratory tested products are safer because they’ve been tested properly or as close to properly as possible. It seems animals have a thousand uses besides mauling your neighbours baby or running through a maze to find cheese.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Senator Stephen Conroy Reveals He Was Molested By The Internet

Published on June 30, 2009 in Satire. 14 Comments

CANBERRA, Australia – In one of the most startling revelations, Senator Stephen Conroy (Minister for Broadband and Communications of Australia) has revealed that the reason he hates the Internet so much is because he was sexually molested by it a few years ago.

This shocking news may finally shed some light on why Senator Conroy hates the Internet so much and why he is planning to single-underhandedly stop all Australians from accessing it eventually.

“He’s sugar-coating his intentions, he really wants to block Internet traffic with this filter because he’s scared he’ll be molested again”, said political analyst Peter Byrne’s.

He's thinking of the children.

He's thinking of the children.

The molestation believed to have occurred over a period of several weeks or more, Stephen Conroy was held against his will by an unnamed website where he was then forced to watch all kinds of pornography against his will – including animal pornography. He recalls of his horror and how he feels completely violated by the whole situation.

“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do; I was molested by the Internet. I was checking my fan email one night and after finishing some replies and a pop-up advertisement appeared telling me my computer was slow. I didn’t want my computer to be slow, so I clicked it. Soon after clicking it – pornography windows opened up everywhere and I was forced to watch it. I was terrified, I couldn’t leave my seat. It was the worse experience of my life,” recalls Senator Conroy.

“I’ve since moved on with my life and I am planning to single-handledy prevent anyone else in Australia being subjected to the horrors of pornography for over several weeks like I was. My Internet filter will be the best thing since Youtube to happen to the Internet. You’ll see.”

The website in question has since been removed and given an ear bashing by Kevin Rudd in fluent Mandarin for the heinous “un-Australian act” committed.

Popularity: 4% [?]

The Joker On Michael Jacksons Life – Why so dead?

Published on June 30, 2009 in Uncategorised Humour. 2 Comments

“Why so dead Michael Jackson? He he he ho ho ha ha ha ha ha ha hahaha”
~ The Joker on Michael Jackson’s Life

“Where’s Michael’s hidden stash of money?”
~ Janet Jackson on Her Brother, Michael Jackson

“I remember when we used to play hide the schnitzel back when he was a little boy.”
~ Joe Jackson on His Son, Michael Jackson

The Joker a.k.a Prince of Crime a.k.a The Laughing Killer Dude With Make up a.k.a Heath Ledger reflects on Michael Jackson’s life and career, and tell us of Michael’s influence on his life. Although it is not that known, Michael Jackson solely inspired The Joker to go into crime in the first place many years ago and made him into the serial killing psychopathic man he is today.

The-Joker-Heath-Ledger

“I remember all those years ago he he he ho ho ha ha ha Michael Jackson’s film clip for Smooth Criminal, yes, yes, that really inspired me to commit criminal acts of ha ha ha ha murder he he he he. Why so dead Michael Jackson?”, reflects The Joker.

“I also learned this neat magic track. You want to see a magic trick? I’ll make Michael Jackson’s life disappear. Ha ha ha ha he ho ho ho hahaha.”

“The man was a true work of evil art. Child abuse, skin bleaching, reckless spending – ha ha ha ha he he ho ho hahaha. I’ve been a huge fan of his work for many years, and his music was hahahaha he he ho ho haha he okay I guess”

Soon after Michael Jackson’s death The Joker killed twenty school children in a school bus bombing as a token of his appreciation to Michael’s contribution to the world of evil.

Popularity: 3% [?]

The Australian Fun Police Strike Again

Published on June 30, 2009 in Opinion and Ranting. 0 Comments

Australia is quite possibly one of the most stuck up and prudish countries in the world. We are descendants of English heritage, but even people in England people aren’t this stuck up. Australia likes to market itself as a laid back country with a vast amount of opportunities, but the only opportunity you get here is either be killed, beaten and robbed, scrutinised, arrested or fined for some stupid reason.

BMW Loves To Promote It's Cars To Hoons

BMW Loves To Promote It's Cars To Hoons; Who can't afford to even buy a BMW.

Recently Australia’s advertising watchdog banned a BMW TV commercial because it promoted ‘hoon driving‘.

The ad I speak of is where a BMW is driving in a warehouse creating an artwork on the floor with paint, the car is notably spinning it’s wheels and performing all kinds of driving manoeuvres which are deemed illegal. But are people that stupid that they can’t tell the difference between television and reality? Would this advertisement really make someone get into their car and mimic the stunts on the streets? I highly doubt it.

I find it highly ironic that in Australia we allow television advertisements for alcohol to be shown, but not a car advertisement that merely shows a car doing manoeuvres – in a warehouse, quite clearly not on the road.

This honestly is just the icing on the political correctness cake. Australia appears to be showing an apparent transition into communism, could it be Kevin Rudd’s obsession with China is finally rubbing off onto the Australian way of life? First an Internet filter list, no R18+ game rating system and banning a car advertisement which is more like art than promoting dangerous driving.

What’s next; will Top Gear Australia and Top Gear UK be banned because they promote hoon driving with their speeding, illegal driving manoeuvres shown on the television show? Wouldn’t surprise me. And also, since when do hoons drive BMW’s? Not to mention, since when a hoon even open up a can of paint anyway?

Check out the ad here and give your opinion: http://www.bmw.com.au/com/en/newvehicles/z4/z4/2009/introduction.html

Popularity: 1% [?]

How To Beat Up A Dead Zombie Michael Jackson

Published on June 29, 2009 in How To Guides. 4 Comments

Now I know beating up dead people might be perceived as “cruel” or “unfair” considering they’re dead, but we’re talking about something entirely different here. It is a commonly known fact that Michael Jackson died at the age of 50 suffering a heart attack, wrong. Soon after Michael Jackson’s death he came back to life as a zombie, almost resembling himself in the music clip for Thriller.

Lock up your childre, Michael is back!

Lock up your childre, Michael is back!

So why do we want to beat him up? Good question. Now that Michael Jackson has risen from the dead as a zombie, he is really pissed off. It seems that he’s read some of the dead Michael Jackson jokes that have been posted on the Internet and he wants revenge.

To beat up a dead brain hungry zombie like Michael Jackson, we need to plan our moves carefully. Although he is dead, he still remembers all of his famous dance moves. Michael Jackson’s famous dance moves are notoriously deadly and if you get in the way, you could be moon walked straight to hell in an instant.

We could learn to dance and simply out dance him, thus causing him to explode – but we haven’t got time to take dancing lessons now. To beat up Michael Jackson you need to think like Michael Jackson. I suggest stopping by a day care and heavily panting for several minutes to increase your heart rate to make you feel like Michael Jackson does every time he goes near a day care centre.

To lure Michael to your selected beating spot where you will proceed to beat him into oblivion with precisely timed punches and roundhouse kicks to the skull, we will need some bait. Luckily Michael Jackson loves little boys as much as he did when he was living. Only he seems to have developed a taste for little boys brains instead. Go find yourself a little boy, preferably aged 5 or under (perhaps from a park or local school) and place him in the luring spot.

Michael will smell the child with his inept and highly sensitive children smelling powers from miles and miles away, now get into position behind an old suspicious but not noticeable wooden barrel and wait for him to arrive.

Once he arrives yell: “Hey you, paedophile scum bag brain eating zombie little boy fucker. I’m going to beat you back to hell, to the tune of Billy Jean.” You would have angered him at this point and he will proceed to drop the small boy and head straight for you. Do not look into his eyes, I repeat, DO NOT LOOK INTO HIS EYES. He has the ability to kill you with a simple stare.

Now to beat Michael Jackson up successfully, you will need to get him in his weakspot. His weakspot is his heart, so perfectly timed kicks and punches to the head and chest simeltaneously should do the trick. For this step to be successful it’s probably advisable you learn martial arts by performing a few Google searches.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Apple Lied To Everyone, But Nobody Cares

Published on June 28, 2009 in Opinion and Ranting. 2 Comments

I find it highly ironic that Apple lied to everyone (stockholders, general public) about just why Steve Jobs was taking medical leave for a year. They tried claiming it was a hormone imbalance that made Steve Jobs look like he was the walking dead and suffering from scurvy.

Steve_Jobs_Lied_About_Liver_Transplant

Now it’s been revealed that he had a liver transplant, doesn’t anyone else find that highly suspicious? Why couldn’t Apple tell us he had a liver transplant? It’s a common fact that people who have hormone imbalances DO NOT get their damn livers removed.

Maybe it’s just me being a pretentious prick, but aren’t there laws against withholding information from your stockholders and the public when you’re a fucking publicly traded company? I don’t know. Maybe Apple are exempt from the law because they’re so popular with their minuscule Linux like market share on desktop PC’s. Much sarcasm intended.

I think Apple need to be investigated for what has happened. Everyone was misled and made to believe Steve Jobs just needed some rest and to pop a few pills and he’d be okay eventually. People don’t get organ transplants for no reason, it doesn’t take a doctor to tell you that.

It sure seems as though nobody cares Apple lied. If this were Microsoft, people would be chanting “burn them, burn them!” and holding flaming pitchforks.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Lil Wayne: The Exact Opposite of Evolution

Published on June 26, 2009 in Images & Visual Stuff. 1 Comment

lil-wayne-opposite-of-evolution

Popularity: 2% [?]

Scientologists Claim To Be Able To Cure Michael Jackson’s Death

Published on June 26, 2009 in Satire. 3 Comments

ORANGE COUNTY, CA – A small team of Scientology funded scientists claim to have found a cure for death and have revealed that they would be able to bring Michael Jackson back too life, as well as any other living being that is no longer living any more. In return they’re asking that each person that is resurrected using their cure be only allowed to choose Scientology as their religion.

The great battle of Xenu 2002

The great battle of Xenu 2002

John Travolta has revealed that Scientology scientists have claimed that they would be able to bring his son Jett Travolta back from the dead, only if he makes a substantially large and generous donation to the Scientology religion. He is said to be in negotiations with Scientologist leaders but is not allowed to reveal the amount donated due to a strict NDA (Non-disclosure Agreement).

How the cure works is unknown, but it is believed that it may have been given to Scientologist scientists by aliens from another planet on a peace mission to Earth six months ago.

“Scientologist’s helped their race by destroying the evil Xenu spirits and so they gave us the cure to death. I’m not at liberty to say what they gave us or how it even works, I’m not supposed to reveal details of which may uncover it’s secret”, revealed a secret insider.

Scientologist representatives have stated the cure is real and that they would have no reason to ever lie or deceive anyone with misinformation or lies. Although some people have already pointed out the irony in that statement.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Some Dead Michael Jackson Jokes

Published on June 26, 2009 in General Shiz and Music & Reviews. 114 Comments

He might be dead, but he’ll always be the guy who has just as many jokes as Chuck Norris. Here are some Michael Jackson jokes with a sickening death twist to coincide with his sudden death at the age of 50.

He touched many of us (literally)

He touched many of us (literally)

Feel free to share your disgust, hate, laughter and Michael Jackson jokes in the comments. It’s okay, Michael won’t mind what you say – he’s dead.

What’s white, stiff and cold?
Michael Jackson’s corpse.

How many Michael Jackson’s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Zero. Michael Jackson is dead.

How Does Michael Jackson Pick His Nose?
From a catalogue.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
Plastic Bags don’t die.

So.. Michael Jackson walks into a bar. Oh, wait…

What time does Michael Jackson go to bed?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

Why did Michael Jackson stop breathing?
His nose fell off.

Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds?
Because he’s dead.

What do Michael Jackson and the so-called weapons of mass destruction in Iraq share in common?
They both don’t exist.

Michael Jackson is so dead that he hasn’t been this stiff since McCauley Caulkin slept over at Never land Ranch.

Why did Michael Jackson convert to Islam on his deathbed?
He heard he would be greeted in heaven by seventy two year old virgins.

What were Michael Jackson’s last words before he died?
I’m coming baby Jesus!

So… It looks like Michael Jackson was finally arrested
Cardiac arrested!

Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
To get to the other little boy.

What’s the difference between Steve Irwin and Michael Jackson?
Nothing. They’re both dead.

After hearing Michael Jackson had died, Madeleine McCann has finally come out of hiding.

Disney expressed their sadness over Michael Jackson’s death, and also celebrated that now only Disney movie’s will be the only things to touch children.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson’s corpse and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

What was Michael Jackson’s last hit?
The floor.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Michael Jackson Died From A Broken Heart: Caused By You

Published on June 26, 2009 in Music & Reviews and Ranting. 21 Comments

Michael Jackson didn’t die of a heart attack as reported, he really died from a broken heart. A broken heart caused by the very fans that turned their backs on him when he was accused of molesting children and his skin turned white. I bet you all feel real bad now for making him the recluse he was before his untimely death.

It’s ironic in a way – the media were the main instigators of Michael Jackson hate and criticism, and soon the people started turning on him, eventually putting him into a pool of debt and causing his illness to worsen.

Sure he had a history of health problems, but what most likely caused those problems was the stress of knowing that he was not liked by many for the person he had become. It’s amazing how many people gave him a hard time for his plastic surgery, sure it looked gross and weird, but is it no different than stars such as Madonna creppingly trying to look younger through surgery?

It’s like people these days simply forgot just how many musical accomplishments Michael Jackson achieved in his career. He was a pioneer, it’s like one day people stopped remembering that and instead focused on bringing the man and his children down. He had children too you know, but most of you were too fixated with brining him down without one bit of respect for his children or the mental effect it would have on him after a prolonged period of time.

I hope those of you who made fun of Michael Jackson, criticised him and sided with so-called victims he supposedly molested when he didn’t, I hope you feel better knowing that you killed him and he isn’t going to be around for you to criticise any more. Maybe you could start some Michael Jackson death jokes if you’re truly that low.

R.I.P Michael Jackson – We’ll always remember you for the good things.

Popularity: 2% [?]