Archive | May, 2009
severe-tooth-ache

Worst Tooth Ache In History

Although you probably don’t care, today I had the worst tooth ache I have ever experienced – even worse than the time I broke a tooth and exposed the nerve endings after eating a gum ball, bad move.

This time I’m not sure what triggered it, but the whole right hand side of my mouth was aching up a storm. Not to mention I had a severe migraine and ear ache to top it all off. I seriously felt like I had eaten something laced with acid burning away at my mouth.

I tried various crazy remedies off the Internet. I tried punching myself in the mouth (it only made it feel worse). I tried eating garlic (but that just gave me bad breath and didn’t do anything, it probably made it worse). I tried gargling salt water and pepper and whatever else I could find in the food cupboard, the concoction made my mouth feel about 15 times worse, more pain, yay!

I tried gargling mouth wash (holy fuck, it felt like someone scraping the inside of my mouth with steel wool and hitting the nerve endings of my teeth with a sledge hammer at the same time). I eventually started to accept my fate and then tried some Oil of Cloves – I dropped some Oil of Cloves onto my tooth and my mouth started to burn intensely. It was kind of like eating an entire packet of peppermint flavoured candy from some $2 store, not good. Soon after (about 3 minutes) my tooth and surrounding gum area went completely numb.

After some reading up on Oil of Cloves, I found out that in large doses it can be very poisonous.  According to this site it can cause a slew of dangerous effects including coma and death, great. Bottom line is if you have a severe tooth ache the only thing that works is a) Visting a dentist (not always an option for immediate relief) or b) Some Oil of Cloves which actually works. If you try anything else, you’ll only make the pain a millions time worse.

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TechCrunch Running Out of Content?

I used to be a daily reader of TechCrunch, that is until it started heading down into a spiral of repetitive boredom covered vomit – complete with advertisements galore. It would seem that TechCrunch is running out of crappy web start ups and news to write about, that’s the impression I’ve been getting.

Although the quality of TechCrunch posts has been substantially low for quite a while now, it would appear TechCrunch is acting more like TechCrotch (no doubt some kind of inflammation of the lower body region). Michael Arrington of TechCrunch recently posted a rant titled Hand Shaking Is So Medieval. Let’s End It. This post summed up in a few words: all crap, no substance.

Michael Arrington suggests that shaking hands is no more than something that spreads germs and such an action should be eradicated. As you can expect from a blog like TechCrunch with loyal stalkers, there are people sucking up to Mr. Arrington and some who are not. What I don’t understand is, how does this even remotely come close to anything directly related with anything? Was Michael Arrington stoned, high, drunk or perhaps all three when he wrote this filler material?

It seems as though Michael Arrington wants us all to be obsessive compulsive germ-o-phobes who get scared at the very mention of bacteria or sickness. While we’re at it, why don’t we eradicate ALL effective methods of spreading germs and sickness by stopping people breathing and talking altogether? You’re more likely to catch the something off someone by being in the same vicinity as them, not shaking their hand.

I’m guessing Michael is one of those people that still believes girls have cooties too?

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Oceana BirthEater Review & Lyrics

If you are looking for lyrics to Oceana’s Birth.Eater album instead of the album review – Click here to view the lyrics.

BirthEater is the second full-length album from post-hardcore band Oceana and first impressions are it’s fucking creepy, dark and melodic.

oceana-birtheater-album-cover

Going in a completely different direction and experimenting with different time signatures and unconventional chord progressions, it’s hard to believe this is the band that brought out The Tide.

BirthEater sees the addition of a new vocalist Brennan Taulbee (taking over from Keith Jones the ex-vocalist who did vocals on The Tide) and drummer Denny – although opinions seem to be mixed on the new replacement members.

After first listening to BirthEater I immediately said to myself ‘holy fuck, this is some awesome shit’. I was honestly expecting Oceana’s second release to be as hardcore sounding as The Tide, much to my delight it was way better than The Tide could ever be in every single possible way.

All of the songs on BirthEater paint the picture of abandonment, sadness, pro-life, miscarriages and abortions – but Brennan seems to make this theme work for the album as it is his story (he was supposedly meant to be aborted when his mother was pregnant with him). BirthEater is so amazing that it sounds like Oceana are a completely new band, they sound completely different.

There are various mixed opinions on BirthEater with people claiming that BirthEater is less technical than The Tide, this is a load of crap. The Tide is nothing compared to BirthEater. The time signature changes, chord experimentation, better use of melodics and the feeling of being more put together shows that BirthEater beats The Tide in every way in the technical department.

I think a lot of people are only saying that BirthEater is less technical than The Tide is because they don’t sound like the same band as they used too, I think change is good. There’s no point in being a band if you’re not going to step out of your comfort zone every once in a while. Thrice seem to accomplish this feat with ease.

Lyrics such as “something didn’t want you to live in me, my body rejected you, you don’t belong to me and after the body’s clean they have to make room, for me to sleep” sung in ‘Dead Speaker’ give you an uneasy feeling, they sound creepy, Brennan passionately sings every single word with a slight tremor in his voice.

Brennan obviously has a talent for writing lyrics that appease to the ears and also manage to hit you right in the heart at the same time, songs with meaning are far more pleasing to listen to than songs with no originality or message in them.

Track by Track Review

Track 1 – Breather II. The opening track on BirthEater has a good feel to it. A catchy guitar riff plays as Denny shows us that he is fitting in well with underling drums perfectly in time with the rest of the band. Brennan shows off his screaming abilities right off the bat, and then soon after shows us just how good his clean vocals sound. You get the feeling of a dream type feel with the mixture of airy lyrics and screams. Although, this track in my opinion isn’t one of the best tracks on BirthEater, but it still sounds amazing.

Track 2 – The Family Disease. This track is a very powerful and appropriately titled song quite clearly one of the standout tracks on BirthEater that gives you chills every time you listen to it. After reading the lyrics to this song, it seems to take on a whole new level of creepiness when you fully understand what Brennan is singing. You only have to hear the lyrics “feel me, my angers gone, I don’t breathe, I only have a son, it’s not me, it’s not me, I’m not real, I was never born” to immediately know this song conceals a powerful message of feeling unwanted, angry, upset and lost all in the one song.

Track 3 – The Constrictor. Starting out with lyrics that lull you into a false sense of security and calmness before Brennan’s powerful screaming takes you out of your comfort zone immediately making your heart race. Although not one of the strongest tracks on the album, it still has the ability to invoke both a feeling of calm and nervousness.

Track 4 – Dead Speaker. In my opinion this is one of the second best tracks on BirthEater alongside ‘The Family Disease’ and ‘The Abortion Plan’. It’s lyrics are powerful, moody dark and give you an uneasy feeling of being on edge. The lyrics are enough to creep anyone out who truly takes the time to fully understand them. This song contains a very strong abortion theme throughout that really makes you think. Ending with sincere sounding  piano and soft ambient effects in the background, you feel the nervousness start to settle after this track is over.

Track 5 – Mother Love. Somewhat resembling track number #3 ‘The Constrictor’, this track just doesn’t feel like it delivers as well as some of the other tracks on the album. The lyrics once again sticking to the dark theme deliver a powerful message to your ears. Lyrics in the song “my mother sings when she’s afraid of me”send chills down my spine, this song is pretty freaky, but a good kind of freaky. The intro of this song is probably as good as the song gets, the rest of the track is a bit of a let down.

Track 6 – In Birth. Consisting mainly of gentle ambient vocals sung smoothly and on pitch by Brennan, this song seems to fit in with the rest of the album quite well. The lyrics in this song paint the picture of abandonment, birth and the feeling of being alone. This song is definitely not as fast paced as some of the previous tracks before it, but it’s good for a change every now and then. Half way through the song subtly screamed vocals hit you in the face and take the song into a new direction, then soon after slipping back into it’s soft and warm feeling of lulling you into a false sense of security.

Track 7 – Boneworks. Boneworks is an obviously well thought out track on BirthEater and on each listen you can really hear the intricacies it seems to possess. Mixing elements from all previous 6 tracks before it, it shows just how mature Oceana have become from the Tide days. Although a short track, it’s straight to the point and awesome. Brennan screams with power and emotion much like every other song on BirthEater, this song doesn’t really have anything to make it memorable, but it is good, it blends in a little too well to make it stand out sadly.

Track 8 – The Abortion Plan. If I were to pick one song from BirthEater that I thought was really great, in-fact fantastic, I would choose ‘The Abortion Plan’. This song is probably the most powerful song Oceana have ever written to date, Brennan’s ability to deliver sincere sounding notes and lyrics in this song really shows just how talented Oceana are. This song has a very sad theme, when I first listened to this song it actually made me sad, it’s a very sad song.

Every time I still listen to this song it makes me feel grateful I’m alive, it also makes you feel like you’re on the verge of crying. Lyrics like; “my mother didn’t want me, my whole life I’ve been starving” and “the mind of an infant, where did I go? well I knew that my heart wouldn’t make it”. If you’re unsure about this band, listen to this track first and you’ll immediately fall in love with Oceana’s new crafted sound.

Track 9 – BOA. This track is one of the stand out brutal tracks on BirthEater. It’s fast paced drums and intricate time signature changes make this track amazing to listen to. The screams are brutal, powerful and the lyrics are amazing. Various tempo changes and crescendos make this song exciting, kind of like an endless roller-coaster that you don’t get sick of riding. Brennan really lets loose on this track and shows he is just as good of a screamer as Keith was, if not, better during the breakdown you can really hear Brennan shine.

Track 10 – I Came As Dust (I Left As Dust). Upon hearing the first 30 seconds of this track you immediately think ‘this sounds just like a few of the other tracks on this album’ then the song takes on a new form, the chorus and bridge of this song truly proves just how different it is. Sticking to the dark, lullying feeling of the rest of the album but sporting mostly clean vocals before finishing off with semi-screamed vocals this song ends abruptly leaving you wondering where the rest of it went.

Track 11 – The Spine Collection. New drummer Denny Agosto is obviously trying to make his mark with the drums in this song. Although not really that different to any of the other tracks, he seems to put a lot of energy into track which mixes the perfect blend of melodics with screaming to make this track really enjoyable to listen to. Towards the end the song dramatically slows down with Denny still showing off just how good of a drummer he is.

Track 12 – Devil Walk, God Walk (Heaven Walk, Hell Walk). With a remarkable track time of over 9 minutes, this track is absofuckinglutely amazing. Starting out with intricate but yet still simple sounding guitar overlaid with pure clean vocals as Brennan really shows off his voice in this track. Starting off slow this song eventually begins to build itself up until Brennan can’t control his voice and lets loose screaming, taking the track in another direction only to abruptly leave us hanging. Clean vocals come back into play again with melodics, and a hint of ambiance added to the mix. Brennan then does it again, flipping the song on it’s side, screaming his heart out as the guitar plays perfectly timed Drop C opens. Towards the end the song takes on an entirely different sound making you believe that there is a 13th track when it’s still really track 12. Gang choir like vocals that slowly fade out really end this song on a great note and end the album on an even more sincere note leaving you wanting more.

Final verdict:

This album is fucking awesome. It’s perfect mix of melodics, clean and screamed vocals, plus perfectly crafted songs makes this album Oceana’s best yet. The addition of Brennan and Denny seems to have given Oceana the change it needed to stand out from the sea of ill-fated copycat bands of the post-hardcore genre. This album is far beyond any expectations I ever had for another Oceana album.

Although this album isn’t out until the 26th of May, make sure you purchase this masterpiece when it is officially released, it’s truly worth the money. I give this album a 9 out of 10.

Oceana Birth.Eater Lyrics

Breather II

Let it be reborn invited
and I hate my ways now.
I looked possessed
in a focus of pure hate
and I was gone forever. Gone.
I didn’t mean it
and now I’m faded and wasted
I’m throwing up the old.
I knew that I’d live it.
Admit it.
My demons were beating me down.
Cut out the black space,
the blood and frustration of
a wasted life.
And I sent myself away with the medicine.
Another sleepless night.
Another sleepless night.
Another sleepless night.
Another sleepless night.

The Family Disease Lyrics

I’ll vomit illusions, trick myself that I’m happy, but so much comes out of my mouth its burning me empty. I think my heart could receive it, cheap impostor where you heading, thank you my love would you believe me, thank you my love would you be listening.

Feel me my angers gone, I don’t breathe I only have a son, its not me, I’m not real, I was never born. I am forever alive, I hook my heart to my eyes, I reach from birth just to die, I keep the devil inside I grow him in me.

I watched you choke on me, you leave me unbalanced, you come back to break them.

The Constrictor

Divided I’m carelessly counting my sins
the sight of growing too old to begin.
Sentenced to find the one
that is gold in a pile of nothing
To our hearts we wreck, we’re reborn.
I grow inside you I feel nothing and when I’m born I’ll be ready.
There’s not enough of a reason to be ugly.
I’ll crucify you and burn till you’re nothing.
And if my body is bruised, would you believe me
that I’m more than you.
And what you’re reading, medic I feel headless.
Leave me.
And if the world never died,
I’d live long enough to forget
what it’s shape is.
I lost each one of my eyes
in a world mind versus the question

Dead Speaker

Something didn’t want you to live in me.
My body rejected you and you don’t belong to me.
And after the bodies cleaned,
they have to make room for you to breathe.
Something didn’t want you to die in me.

Breather you took it all away from me.
You’re nothing.
Was I supposed to see?
Mother were going too fast for me.
I was a growing seed.
It ended mother.
I was still so afraid of my grave.
I was buried as a child father
And after all my organs were choked.
Do you still feel me?

I’ll find sadness
it matches my sound
it’s vicious as sex.
Devil you fed it, your son isn’t finished

Mother Love Lyrics

Fear love.
A failure to nothing but an empty shape.
We collide and we’re dead on.

Are you tired enough?
I think I hurt your head enough.
Bruising me the first touch.
Well fall asleep.
Well close it up.
Count the days till you get rid of me.
Till I fall asleep.
I am meaningless.
Endlessly you feel fine if you could bury me.
Six feet underneath.
I won’t see it.
And now I’m recklessly ending it
as it falls from the stage to the floor.
The day ends when I say it does.
I’m afraid of him.
I’m afraid of him.

My mother sings when she’s afraid of me because I hurt her more.
More than the son she sees.
It scares her half to death.
My father sings when he’s afraid of me because I hurt him more.
More than the son he sees.
It scares us all to death

In Birth

In birth we lose them
to sudden defects.
Our minds are not open yet.
And all, all the life you had
you’ll finally see.

There’s no life here.
We welcome you to the world in fascinating views.
We consume you wil all be alone.

You’re breathing like you did.
You never wanted to.
You’re always gonna lose
when no ones there for you.
You’re barely human.
Yet we thought we’d see you soon.
We’ll all abandon you.
We’re always gonna lose.

Those who say there’s nothing after,
well, they’re all ghosts
and none of them will matter

Boneworks

When feeding the ones left breathing
It’s our only way to live.
My minds past growing in the salt,
with the bone community.
They took my tongue for the things I wanted,
but couldn’t say.
When your taking my child away
my colors will surely change.
My voice will be the same.
Things were never that way again.
After they came and left,
we’re nothing.
Your voice is a cannibal.
Your child got taken away.
Your life is an open wound,
exposed to all of those around you

The Abortion Plan

I left my head when i was home
I caught an evil side of me.
I only breathe when I’m alone.
The days await till I am gone.
I grew right next to your heart.
I should have grabbed it,
and pulled it down.
I feel what you’re feeding me.
I hear what you really speak.

Could the eater rot in time?
He’s sucking out the lines,
that make you notice the world as an illusion.
Your body pushes through it.
In birth it all confuses us.
What do I do when I’m lying on a table?
My mother didn’t want me. My whole life I’ve been starving.
9 months to grow inside you,
my life was fresh as the mind of an infant.
Where did I go?
Hell, I knew that my heart wouldn’t make it.

And the due date is close.
Well heaven knew it took a part of me.
But I only speak,
I only speak when I’m hungry.
Now the lights on my face.
And I’ve never felt more ugly,
when the devil grabbed me by the legs,
and shook me.
I was gone you said it.
Home’s where death is,
I’ll just forget it

BOA

If i was fearing the world,
I’d be generous.
In habit, the world seems to feed what I need.
And in a separating ground pulled apart from me,
I erase everything.
When we were first born,
the liquid covered our bodies it got harder to breathe.
Without a clue in the world,
our Fathers poisoned their wives.
And the life that he made for me,
are you afraid of us?
This isn’t a place for us.
Your body is surely as sad as can be.
Wish I could feel again.
The sadness will never end.
Invited forever we sleep.
Hail deliverer the skin will peel off of me.

If I hadn’t meant to live?
What would I give?
I had a part of you.
You were a part of me.
And now it doesn’t exist.
In Hell we decide.

I’m hiding in the lines of the sand with the old blood.
I’m dying and living alone in a home with nothing,
I’m nothing and I mean it
and I saw the afterlife
you had a reason to be.
And now their all alone.
We’ll all be living and if they eat us,
they’ll only show us their life is broken in pairs,
with the old love I’m extending my way,
as a full blood in this life

I Came As Dust [I Left As Dust]

I kept a cross in my right hand.
I dropped it into the quicksand the wood went to waste.
Your faith, it’s broken.
You’re furthering yourself to fame,
you’re losing.
Your god is leaving.
I left it there for a blind man.
He pulled it out with no questions,
and I took his place.
And when there’s nowhere to fit,
it leaves us here to be compared to him.
How could you bend your fears?
The day was reduced to tears.
Your stomach was armor.
An aid that would save your life.
It’s impossible for you to hear.
Breather,
you followed me here,
you followed my footsteps here
You fit in my head,
like a father I’ll never remember you.
Ever

The Spine Collection

The old ways always get at me,
throwing myself on the floor when I’m empty.
Call me I’m falling in front of a demon possessing.
Making me talk.
My throat gets rid of a part of me.
Anxiety could end it all.
Physically I’ve found that I’ll stay the same,
and you all should have nothing to say.
I was afraid of living alone.
You could of changed it.
They could have saved us.
I need something to fill in the hole.
How pathetic my face is allergic.
And everything my spine gives.
I wanna get rid of it.
The patches that hold my blood in.
I’ve invented a new sin.
The whole world takes part of it.
In learning I’ll love him right now.
He does not exist.
Till then I’ll be over it.
It’s one thing I’ll never miss
And I’ll never find a way to be happy,
and there’s no one here that’s like me

Devil Walk, God Walk (Heaven Walk, Hell Walk)

For those who mean it,
your skin will be cleaned.
The scales you have shed for the family disease wash the salt away from you palms.
You’re sweating it out.
I beg for the taste of it,
believing in him.
Devil the fear of you in me,
delivering the failures that made me believe there’s no life worth living,
our children will leave.
We’ll separate the family disease.
We’ll create if we’re dead.
We’ll believe.
Guard them demon,
let them be headed.
Kill them, burn them,
we’ll be left seedless men.

It was diseased,
I was left just to see it.
The rotting flesh.
My teeth were all broken from feeding.
I found a better love.
As I aged, it progressed and I left.
It’s not over till it’s over I said.

Found myself with a cheap mask in hand.
Drowned out.
Birth has it’s hands reached out to welcome the sound of hell.
Open your eyes child,
breathe now.
But don’t move your mouth.
All of my heartless life I die
My voice will change when I start to smile.
My mind gets eaten away.
Our children die.
Wash the salt from your palms you’re sweating it out.
I beg for the taste of it.
All of our sons and our daughters are dead,
and the birth that we stole,
the eater grows old

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7 Reasons People Don't Visit Your Blog

You slave away at your keyboard writing content you think is awesome and about things you think everyone will want to read and stumble, well you can just get the fuck off the Internet and delete your blog if you think that. Your blog is a piece of crap, nobody thinks it is great, nobody cares.

If your blog applies to one or more of these on the list, then it needs some work before anyone is going to keep coming back.

  1. You are using the default theme that comes with your blogging software. Wake up! your blog looks boring. You may think that people are only coming for the content, but people eat with their eyes before their mouths first. If you’re using the default theme, you’re a douchebag and deserve no traffic to your blog, and that is exactly what you will get
  2. You don’t proofread or spellcheck anything you write. If you misspell a word or two it’s a common mistake and your readers will love pointing that out to make themselves feel more superior on the Internet. But if your blog posts are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, don’t expect anyone to understand a word you are saying or to return again
  3. Your blog is completely unoriginal and boring. If you’re writing about the same things other blogs are writing about, what reason would someone have to visit your blog? People love interesting, unique and new things to read. Nobody likes reading or hearing about the same thing 100 times. This goes for all Twitter acquisition talks, Yahoo! acquisition talks and rants about Windows Vista especially
  4. Your blog is a proverbial graveyard of boredom. People come to your blog because they seek something to appease to their eyes and minds, stuff that is interesting, witty and funny. If people wanted to read something that put them to sleep, they’d read Time magazine instead. Throw in a joke or two, share a funny picture, embed a funny Youtube video of a man getting hit in the nuts, anything!
  5. Too many fucking ads. People come to your blog to read, not have to close 100 fucking pop-up ads and sift through content riddled with Google ads placed after every paragraph. Your blog will make next to no money whatsoever in the early days. If you’re going to use ads, use them sparingly and put them in non obstrusive positions like the sidebar. Placing ads on a small-time blog actually has a negative effect as it will most likely repel visitors and make you seem money oriented rather than content oriented
  6. Hurry up and load. If your site takes more than 5 seconds to start loading something and be fully loaded a few seconds after, kiss your visitors goodbye. Nobody wants to wait, your blog probably isn’t important enough for a visitor to be patient and wait, unless they have a reason too, but they don’t.
  7. Your hosting sucks. Sometimes other people may think your content is awesome and it’s shared on StumbleUpon, Digg, Reddit, Yahoo! Buzz, Delicious and other places – if your hosting is completely crap and can’t handle a little visitor hike, be prepared to lose a lot of visitors. If you’re serious about blogging, go with a proper host that can handle the traffic.

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Kyle Sandilands Receives Death Threats, Surprised?

kyle_sandilands_jerkKyle Sandilands a jerky and outlandish Australian radio presenter has reportedly received threats against his life after his feud between Merrick and Rosso recently escalated, is anyone the least bit surprised by this? I am completely shocked to find out that he hasn’t received death threats before this all happened, he is a metrosexual outspoken jerk who has insulted a lot of people in his time after all.

With all of the people and television shows Kyle has ripped in too and offended, I am honestly surprised he wasn’t killed off by someone a very long time ago. I’m sure if someone were to shoot at him that his ego would stop the bullets (it’s that thick and big) anyway.

Much like any attractive-challenged person like Kyle Sandilands, he feels the need to make himself feel better by putting those down around him whether that be; insulting gays, threatening Frenzal Rhomb or feuding with Merrick & Ross who are actually funny and don’t resort to personal attacks and gimmicks to get listeners.

Kyle acts all though on radio and TV but he’s really a girl on the inside and off camera fearing for his life everyday most likely as he is now. He’s had cameras installed at his place, 24 hour surveillance and security guards, as well as personal security guards going wherever he goes. For someone that acts so tough, his actions speak louder than his fat mouthed opinionated words.

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Aboriginals Give Australia A Bad Name

bashed-bruisedLet me firstly say I am from Australia, and I am far from racist, just opinionated. I read a news story about a man who was bashed by Aboriginal children when they asked him for a cigarette and he didn’t have any to give them. Twenty kids ranging from eight to fourteen years old then bashed the man badly beating him with their bikes, kicking him repeatedly and even hitting him over the head with a thick piece of wood.

People in Australia defend Aboriginals because it’s deemed wrong to cast Aboriginals in any bad light even if they do something wrong. Just ask the Australian government who gives these non-deserving so-called Australian Aboriginals free handouts, bonuses and perks such as priority housing, jobs and medical services.

The movie Australia by Baz Luhrman which was financed partly by the Australian government glorified Aboriginals so much that it made me sick just watching it. Aboriginals and everyone else of other races are no angels, but it’s obvious due to the government trying to mend it’s image thanks to the stolen generation, it’s basically sucking up to people of Aboriginal culture.

Aboriginals get absolutely everything (no exaggeration), if you’re from Australia then you’d know exactly to what extent the government is willing to go to – to give Aboriginals anything they want, all whilst they refuse to work even though the government here provides far more assistance to Aboriginals to find work than any other person of non-Aboriginal descent. Australia even has Aboriginal only incentives to make employers advertise positions that only Aboriginals can apply for, I wish I had that privilege of being offered exclusive work based on my race.

The violence will continue to get worse because the government doesn’t seem to realise that it’s cash handouts and special benefits for Aboriginals are rewarding laziness, unemployment, substance abuse, violence and physical abuse. All of these traits are a way of life in these troubled Aboriginal communities, they need to be broken up again and some enforcement needs to be placed. But, oh, wait, everyone will cry “stolen generation” again and some future prime minister will have to apologise.

Whilst not all Aboriginals are bad people, a lot of people of Aboriginal origin work hard and don’t take a cent off the government, it’s the bad ones that ruin it for everyone else. There are obviously troubled suburbs in different states all over Australia where the Aboriginal violence, drug and abuse toll is substantially higher than other places though. It’s obvious places like the Northern Territory, Darwin and it’s surrounding states and containing suburbs have a more widespread problem than others.

The irony in all of this is if the guy tried to defend himself in any way he would have been slammed by the courts and slapped with an assault charge at the least, most likely with a slew of other charges thrown at him for merely defending himself against minors with apparent violence problems.

Another dose of irony in all of this is: if the kids were caught for the crime they committed, they would merely get a slap on the wrist anyway. The Australian government will paint you a picture of Australia being the most multicultural country in the world, but it’s a mirage, a lie. Australia is no different to other countries where race still determines how the law and government treats you. Let’s just say that the law isn’t exactly as en-forceful when it comes to Aboriginal criminals as it is to non-Aboriginal Australians.

Ask yourself, what Australian would bash someone because they didn’t have cigarettes to give you? Also ask yourself why these kids are already smoking cigarettes and committing violent crimes at such a young age. It’s obviously parental influence that sets it off, the government throws money in which fuels the fire so-to-speak and then the community does the rest. It’s a big vicious circle that has been rotating around and around for years and years, it only gets worse every single year. It seems whenever the government spots a problem they grab handfuls of money and throw it at the problem hoping it goes away.

Maybe the government did the right thing back in the stolen generation days by taking away these Aboriginal kids from their families to make them better people, give them better role models and direction in life. I’m not saying the racist policies back then were right, but maybe the idea was solid in the fact that maybe some of these parents in these troubled Aboriginal communities should have their children taken away. I’m sure most would be too drunk to notice their children being taken away anyway considering they never know where there kids are 99% of the time nor do they even care where they are.

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Everything You Need To Know About Swine Flu

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He'll live, but we're all dead

Swine Flu is a very contagious mutant flu that was conceived and created by Mexican farmers having dirty three somes with pigs and exotic birds, effectively creating a super flu that is capable of making a sombrero grow out of your head and a thick moustache with burrito sauce in it grow on your face.

Swine Flu is a sosphisticated blend of multiple flu’s from multiple animal species from multiple parts of the world blended together by Mexican farmer animal three-somes (sometimes four-somes). If you are wanting to know what to expect from Swine Flu, get yourself a copy of 28 Days out from the video store right now! to see what you will be in for.

So how can you catch Swine Flu?

  • Licking a pig
  • Looking at a pig
  • Thinking about pigs
  • Living next door to a Mexican
  • Kissing an American, Mexican, Canadian, Scottish or English person
  • Thinking about Mexico
  • Talking about Mexico
  • Talking to a Mexican
  • Reading this list
  • Going to a Nickelback concert
  • Watching Babe the movie
  • Being Mexican
  • Being racist
  • Breathing in
  • Breathing out
  • Not breathing
  • Going outside
  • Eating a burrito or taco
  • Watching anything created by Warner Bros (especially porky pig)

What are some of the signs that indicate you may have Swine Flu?

  • You are dead
  • You can barely move
  • You just got a mail-order bride from Mexico
  • You like having sex with farm animals (especially pigs) and exotic birds
  • Your mother, wife or girlfriend (maybe all 3) tells you to stop eating like a pig at the dinner table
  • You start speaking Spanish
  • You start resembling Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, Porky Pig or George Bush (or a hybrid of all 3!)
  • You start acknowledging Mexico as a country
  • You all of a sudden know the national anthem of Mexico
  • You think Tom Cruise is a great actor
  • You’ve started growing a thick Mexican moustache
  • A sombrero has started growing out of your head
  • You are Chad Kroeger from Nickelback
  • You’ve got the urge to roll around in the mud and eat from a troff

How do you protect yourself against Swine Flu?

  • Lay in the bathtub with a mattress over the top of you until the spread of Swine Flu is finished
  • Set alight all local stores selling meat products from pigs
  • Shoot everyone you suspect of having Swine Flu. You can’t take any chances when your life is at stake
  • Become vegetarian, but then eventually die due to a lack of iron in your diet
  • Move to Sweden
  • Convert to Scientology, they apparently have a cure for every medical illness known to man (including cancer)
  • Kill yourself. Swine Flu can’t kill you if you beat it and kill yourself first

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Research Finds Nickelback Is Responsible For Global Warming

An Australian led team of environmental scientists who have been conducting a 3 year long study in a Melbourne lab believe that they have discovered what causes global warming, the answer: Nickelback.

The report which isn’t expected to be released until September, 2010 is said to reveal alarming information on just how much damage Nickelback have done to the ozone layer and environment itself as a result of their bad music and haircuts.

The research also reveals that Chad Kroeger’s beard possesses psycho-therapeutic powers of which he uses to convince people that they should buy Nickelback’s music and go to their concerts. Scientist’s assure us that they’re working on the antidote to Chad Kroeger’s beard.

Symptoms of a severe Nickelback outbreak have started to show in Sydney, Australia and scientist’s are currently trying to work out how to stop it before it is too late

nickelback-infection

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Twitter Is Useless

Twitter although relatively simple and pointless has successfully achieved something once only thought achievable by William Hung (the no talent contestant of American Idol 2004 that became an international sensation) – the ability to generate a massive load of buzz only to be forgotten later on down the track by everyone that showed the slightest bit of interest.

Much like William Hung, Twitter will eventually fade into the darkness of the Internet and be primarily used by spammers wanting to sell you cheap Viagra in the mistaken belief that people still use the service as religiously as they do now. In time, Twitter will eventually become an online store full of affiliate links offering you the best price on Viagra and other pharmacutical drugs.

By 2011 unless Twitter does something dramatic and interesting, I am predicting the site would have started to lower itself into the fiery pits of spam hell. This will be good news for those of you who may consider purchasing some cheap Viagra off the Internet in 2011. Be honest with yourself, you’re lazy. Twitter requires effort and while it may be the cool thing to do at the moment, it will eventually become a chore to update your Twitter account along with your 150 other accounts on other websites that you simply forget about it.

You hear about growth on Twitter thanks to Oprah and Ashton Kutcher, but what came of that? Oprah successfully helped Twitter inflate it’s visitor count, as well as user count – but do you really think any of those baby making soccer mothers will find the time to come back to Twitter and use it everyday? I doubt it.

You only have to Google or read blogs like TechCrunch or Mashable to know that most Twitter users signup but never return. Twitter is a gimmick, it’s got no substance, it’s boring and a complete time waster. Chances are most of Twitter’s active users are using it during work hours and we all know sites like Twitter fuel procrastination in the work place. This means that most of Twitter’s users that use the service are only using it because it’s a better option than working.

Don’t get me started on the Twitter acquisition rumours, it wouldn’t surprise me if Twitter themselves were starting them in the first place. How many companies have supposedly gone into talks with Twitter to buy it? About 500 million (not literally). A real company like Google even knows that Twitter would be a failed investment, one it can’t afford to make during these though econonomical times.

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Dear Swine Flu

Dear Swine Flu,

I heard about you on the TV and read about you on the Internet a few weeks ago and noticed that you’re getting more and more popular by the day. I’ve also noticed that although everyone seems to be talking about Twitter (Oprah and Ashton Kutcher to name a couple started the buzz), you’ve stolen the show and now you’re everywhere (not literally), the center of attention.

So tell me what it’s like to live in Mexico? Are the people nice there, or should I say were nice before you infected them with your non vaccine curable disease and left them for dead? I don’t mean to pry, I am just curious is all.

Anyway.. I hear you’re currently touring the US and even Spain plus a few other places as well, you’re really living the rockstar life travelling the world and you even have your very own groupies on Twitter! Everyone is talking about you, I even find myself making jokes about you to everyone that coughs in my work office, ha ha.

I do have some bones to pick with you though Swine Flu. Although you haven’t arrived in Australia yet (but I hear you will be here very soon).

A) Every time I sneeze or get a runny nose, I immediately switch to ‘OMFG, I AM DYING OF SWINE FLU’ panic mode

B) Your name is just horrible, disgustingly horrible. You think George Bush had a horrible name? Ha ha, you take the cake buddy

C) People are going to eat less bacon as a direct result of your current ‘spread the love, from Mexico’ fest. This is bad, because people should be eating more bacon, moreee bacon!

D) You’ve not only stolen attention away from the economy (besides conspiracy theorists that think you were artificially created to inflate the stock price of Baxter), but you’ve also stolen attention away from Somalian pirates. Now don’t get me wrong I love switching on my TV and hearing the latest gossip about Swine Flu, but I do love a good Somalian pirate cruise ship hijack story as well

So Swine Flu if you’re reading, please spare me and my girlfriend, I don’t care about the rest of the worldwide population. In-fact, let’s make an offer. You can have everyone else in the world except me and my girlfriend and maybe a cute St. Bernard puppy (2 of them if possible), does that sound good or what? What’s 2 people short of a few billion anyway right?

Kind regards,

Probablysucks.com

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