Leave me alone, wahhhh!

Miley Cyrus, the 15 year old whore Disney star of the TV show Hannah Montana has some not so nice words for the hoaxer (I think she means hacker) that hacked into her Youtube account and posted a video saying that she was killed by a drunk driver, if only that was actually true.

She had this to say to the hacker:

I’m really ticked at the person who did that. I’m going to, like, smack them!

Like, yeah, you should totally, like, smack them Miley, you tough girl. But only when you’re not too busy trying to stay in the public eye by drawing attention to yourself. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if Miley was the hoaxer and this is was all some media stunt to draw attention back to her. Maybe if it’s not Miley, it’s just Billy looking out for his little slut innocent girl.

Look out hacker, your hacking skills are no match from a smack from a slutty 15 year old girl with a 22 year old boyfriend.

She also goes on to say that she hates it when false reports about her are spread throughout the Internet. We feel your pain Miley (mainly because this site is partially responsible for causing it ;)), we don’t really care though.

Welcome to celebrity life, Miley. You’re not the only celebrity that has stuff spread about them through the Internet, get the fuck over it, you’re not the only famous person that exists.

We here at Probably Sucks are not going to stop spreading conspiracy theories and misinterpreting Miley’s actions and words, because lets face it, everyone loves to hate Miley Cyrus, we do. Who knows, maybe Chris Crocker will rise to the occasion and make a Youtube video telling people to leave Miley alone, lets hope not though.

Read Miley’s heartbreak here

Jack, still coming to terms with what just happened.

An Australian man was caught by police with his penis inside a pasta jar, and no it wasn’t stuck either. He was still pleasuring himself while resisting arrest, the court was told.

Firstly, how fucked up must you be to be masturbating in a pasta jar in the first place? Police drew their weapons at the 45 year old man who’s name is Keith Roy Weatherley, from New South Wales, Australia - after he led them on a slow police chase, because they saw him doing something with his hands in his lap.

When they caught him they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a pasta jar.

When he was stopped by police he refused to leave the car and four officers had to use batons and capsicum spray to get him out of the car.

They found a 750mm jar around his penis and said Weatherley attempted to continue “pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling”.

Just when you thought this story couldn’t get anymore fucked up, wait until you see what police found when they searched his car:

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a homemade sex aid, women’s stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

What. The. Fuck? The thing that makes me cringe is the fact he had a Jack Russell Terrier in his car probably huddled up in the corner scared of what his master was doing with the jar.

We interviewed the Jack Russell terrier and it had this to say:

My master is usually weird, I understand that. But when he pulled the pasta jar out and unzipped his pants, I just wanted out.

I should have known something was up when he said “come on boy, we’re going for a drive”. He never takes me for drives with him, ever. That and the fact he was holding women’s stockings, a homemade sex device and some other stuff I don’t care to mention.

I’m just glad the police got to him before he got tired of the jar and tried to bust a move on me.

Keith was fined $600 by the court. You can read the original news story here

Rick Astley an 80’s messiah and Internet phenomenon has been found dead in front of his computer after it was believed he was a victim of his own success, a rick roll.

At roughly 12:15pm Rick Astley was found by his wife Lene Bausager in front of his computer screen after he was working on a comeback album. “He was working on his comeback album for a few months now, he was happy about the attention he has been receiving on the Internet, especially on Digg. And now he’s dead, because of the coward that rick rolled him.”

Goodbye Rick, You viral Internet superstar.

John Wood (Rick Astley’s neighbour) said it was sad to hear of the tragic news and that he feels for his wife Lene. But he also said that he is happy that peace will finally return to his street after the nerds eventually move on from the front lawn and footpaths of Astley’s property.

There are always these damn kids with shirts on that say Linux, Digg or Apple. They smell funny and I repeatedly hear references to Star Wars, Digg and Family Guy 24/7 - it’s like they never even sleep. I thought the joke would have gotten old, but now Astley is dead peace will eventually be restored.

Rick Astley the one and only reason the rick roll was invented in the first place was believed to be a very private and safe man when it comes to rick roll prevention. His wife tells us of the lengths he’d go to - to safeguard himself against a rick roll attack.

He would pay people to turn on his computer and check his emails for him, it was getting that bad. People took the joke too far, trying to rick roll him on a daily basis. He used to have nightmares of being rick rolled, the pills never worked. Not many people know this but his one and only weakness was being exposed to his own music.

It is not known by investigators at this time who exactly initiated the successful, but deadly rick roll attack, but investigators vow to find the culprit and asphyxiate a confession out of him or her.

Mike an investigator for the F.B.I had this to say:

We are currently subpoenaing every single ISP in the world, and also asking Google for their assistance in finding the culprit responsible for this heinous crime.

He was a great singer, he had so many hits in the 80’s, Why did he have to die! WHY!! This is not personal damn it, this is not personal!

The repercussions of Rick Astley’s death are unknown at this time, but it is believed to result in hundreds - maybe even thousands of Digg articles about his death to hit the front page.

Kevin Rose also took time off from his busy schedule of ignoring Digg users and playing his XBOX 360 to express his sadness and give his condolences:

Dude, seriously? Rick Astley is dead? No way dude. Now this means that Digg is going to get a lot of attention, sweet as dude. Lets all click some Digg ads in memory of the great man Rick Astley. All funds will be donated to charity, just joking dudes.

StumbleUpon notorious for it’s ability to spread conspiracies and news about deaths to thousands of stumblers has caused fears to generate about whether or not StumbleUpon is going to make this situation better or worse.

We asked eBay to comment on the situation and what it is doing to ensure that Rick Astley’s family is given peace at this time, and they had this to say:

Does anyone want to buy StumbleUpon? Pretty please. $200 million buy it now.

Rick Astley will be sorely missed. The Internet won’t be the same without him.

There comes a time in your life where you might find yourself in a duel or as people these days call them fight with a stingray. Stingray’s are notorious with death, most notably killing Australian snake molester Steve Irwin. Sadly for people like Steve Irwin - they are always unprepared and it’s a real shame to not see a proper fight between a stingray and a human take place, it’s a beautiful sight.

What is a stingray?

As Terri Irwin has put it: “stingray’s are monstrous beasts that fight unfairly and kick you when you’re down. In Steve’s case, he was stung by surprise, if he had known there was a stingray, he might have stood a chance if he had a chance to fight back.”

Our definition of a stingray is: “A nomad of the deep seas. He takes what he wants and brings the ruckus to those who get in this fucking way. People often say Lions are the most fiercest of creatures, stingrays are the lions of the deep.” Who would win if a stingray and a lion fought? The fucking stingray would sting the lion right in the chest and inject him with mean amounts of paralysing poison and the lion would slowly die.

This Stingray wants to kill you. Don’t be fooled by it’s cuteness.

Preparation

Preparing for a stingray fight is no easy feat. First you must learn the art of the stingray. Eat what it eats. Kill what it kills. Mate what it mates with. This is the only way you will truly understand how to beat it, find it’s weakness and inject it with your poisonous liquid (if you’re subhuman).

You may think that stingray has no weaknesses but they have one and it should never be forgotten if you want any small chance of surviving.

The Execution

Stingrays are known to have a soft spot for Steve Irwin. In fact, they absolutely love him. This is their downfall and we will use it to execute a flawless, well almost flawless plan to beat the stingray and take his wife in the progress.

1. Acquire yourself a nice realistic Steve Irwin blow up doll (if you don’t already have one).
2. Make sure you inflate it with titanium injected oxygen to ensure it’s as strong as a real Steve Irwin.
3. Tie some tiny weights to string and place them on the blow up Steve doll. This part is vital - if you mess it up, the stingray will mess you up.
4. Drop the Steve Irwin blow up doll into the water where stingrays are known to hang out and chill.
5. It should only take 5 minutes if that before a stingray notices the mildly attractive Steve Irwin and tries to sting him.
6. This is your chance. While the stingray is focused on stinging the Steve Irwin doll you submerged into the water, sneak up behind the stingray and stab it repeatedly with your hunting knife (you’ll need a hunting knife for this to work).

If you followed this guide correctly, you just beat a stingray. Sure, you didn’t fight it face-to-face, but you still won. Take your win and return to land before more stingrays come that may be stronger and not susceptible to your Steve Irwin trickery.

If you failed to follow this guide correctly, you are probably slowly dying from the poisonous barb the stingray thrusted into your chest.

Recently a new study was conducted at the University of Winnipeg that suggests Nickelback is the sole cause of global warming. Scientists namely Timothy Ball who currently holds a Ph.D in Climatology and is the research leader of this study. Scientists have noticed Carbon Dioxide (C02) levels spike up-to 500% whenever Nickelback is about to release a new album, single or perform a tour. As well as C02 levels spiking, there are other toxins released into the air which erode away at the ozone later, they have yet to be identified.

Scientists are currently trying to find a way to prevent further damage to the ozone layer and say that Nickelback may have already caused a massive hole to form in Sydney, Australia when they last toured in 2006. It is rumoured that Nickelback will be touring Australia again sometime soon and scientists fear this could extend the hole by 3 km, which will have devastating effects on Sydney’s homeless population.

Scientists whilst conducting small scale tests have found playing any Nickelback song has the potential to cause serious harm to children, pregnant women, bears and even lolcats. A scientist is quoted as saying: “We were playing how you remind me by Nickelback to some lab mice and they imploded from the pure deadly radiation and toxic gases that the song released”.

“We didn’t expect to find out Nickelback, who I will admit I was a fan of before being administered the antidote, to be the one and only cause to global warming” - Another scientist was quoted as saying.

Chad Kroeger performing his patented “destroy the environment” move.

Nickelback is rumoured to be activating it’s fan mind manipulation devices to make them demand for them to come to Australia, and soon other countries. Signs have started showing that Nickelback may have switched on it’s mind manipulation beacon devices or device sometime in October, roughly on the 12th of October.

Azza and Hannah from Sydney are believed to be among the first to start showing signs of Nickelbackitis. A disease of the mind that makes you get anxious and demand Nickelback return to your country for a tour.

Scientists believe by intercepting the beacon signals and reversing them with a massive magnetic mirror device (a massive magnet duct taped to a mirror) - they can prevent the signals from sending and reverse the damage before more fans or as scientists are referring to them “Nickelback Tumours” start demanding Nickelback to return.

Although scientists are not sure where such a device is hidden and deployed there is a theory that Chad Kroegers beard may be where the beacon is located. Nobody has ever gotten close enough to touch his beard and unmask the device.

The prime minister of Australia Kevin Rudd is believed to be a huge Nickelback fan and says that he admires their music craftsmanship and continual contribution to Australian music. People have tried informing him Nickelback are not an Australian band, but he simply informs them that he is the prime minister and that he is always right.

Scientists are hoping a cure for this disease is ready soon. For the greater good of the ozone layer rests upon the efforts of these smart brave men and women who are willing to endure song after song of Nickelback and Chad Kroegers lyrics of disrepute and his voice of hatred to save humanity from destruction and environmental breakdown.

Ever seen a website and thought to yourself: “I’d really love to grab the web developer who designed this and choke him until he asphyxiates.”, or is that just me? When I’m not ranting about things that suck, insulting people and being an ignorant jerk who thinks he is better than everyone else, I can be found working as a professionally employed full-time web developer.

It doesn’t take a web developer to notice a website so bad it makes your eyes vomit and your hands make abrupt movements towards sharp objects so they are no longer subjected to this visual torture.

Here are 10 of the worst website designs I have ever seen. I’m sure there are a lot more, I know there are. These are just ones that I’ve found.

1. http://www.tallyhouniforms.com/ - Tally Ho Uniforms. I don’t know about you people, but there is just something about that blinking text and 1995 gif animations that just screams: stab me in the genitals and throw me off a cliff. Lets hope the airline pilot uniforms are better quality than their website, or there might be some trouble a-brewing sometime in a sky near you. I suggest if you want to keep full function of your eyes and genitals, purchase your uniforms from somewhere with a bit more taste. May I suggest Target.
2. http://www.usabilitynet.org/home.htm - Usability Net. If you’re looking for a useful site that preaches what it’s named, then this site isn’t for you. Usability Net claims to promote usability and user centred design. Why, of course. Flash navigation is the usability of the future right? I mean once we’ve killed off all of the colour blind and permanently blind, we can use flash menu’s wherever we please.
3. http://yvettesbridalformal.com/ - Yvette’s Bridal/Formal. If you’re looking for a site that is bound to incite feelings of rage, hate, anger and quite possibly an epileptic fit, and you just so happen to be getting married soon, why not head on over to Yvette’s Bridal/Formal site. There’s something about the site I can’t put my finger on; perhaps it’s the rainbow colour scheme, the misplaced (andy warhol inspired) text or perhaps the low resolution jpeg files that look like they were taken on the first camera phone ever invented.
4. http://www.neiu.edu/~fldept/flanglab/ - Department of Foreign Languages and Literatures. Are you a 1995 sort of guy or gal? Miss the old days of tables, one coloured websites with flashy animated gifs? Then you’ve found the right site. This little 1995 inspired number is sure to please even the biggest 1995 fanboy, and non-fanboy alike.
5. http://www.hrodc.com/ - HRODC Training Institute. Do you find yourself browsing the web constantly saying “This website is good, but it’s needs MOREEEE TABLESSS”. If you really like tables and predominately yellow with a hint of red websites, you’ve just found what you’re looking for. Congratulations! now GTFO out of my Internet, you make me sick.
6. http://www.dokimos.org/ajff/ - Accept Jesus, Forever Forgiven! Have you accepted Jesus yet? I know I haven’t. I’m pretty sure if there was actually a Jesus that existed, he would smite this site right out of existence for going against any web standards rule there is, plus others that don’t even exist yet. This website further makes me hate religion even more.
7. http://www.e-tradehub.com/ - E-Trade Hub. This site made me feel dizzy and nautious, I kid you not. I won’t ruin the surprise, but if you look at it for at least 30 seconds you start to feel majorly sick. This websites slogan should be “we need moreee movement!”. Take a look at the floating contact box that moves and bounces across the screen.
8. http://www.mahoganyslive.com/ - Mahogany’s Coffeehouse & Bar. What is one thing that a business needs in this day and age to be successful? A website. A decent website. This business obviously doesn’t know that. Although, if we were all mysteriously transported back in time to 1996, this site would probably be the best in it’s class. I guess this is what happens when you hire a web developer that has an obvious drug problem.
9. http://www.alphasigns.com/ - Alpha Signs. Look mum, I’ve hit my head on something hard again and I’m stuck in a 1995 mind frame.
10. http://www.wanderlist.com/ - Wander List. What does a website look like created by a drunk web developer that loves to take LSD? If you’re dying to find out, check this site out. It looks like Microsoft Word had sex with a homeless man and vomited up a website.